![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Title: Broken Trust
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
chaps1870
Pairing: McShep
Rating: R for violence
Summary: Rodney tries to regain the trust he's lost only it doesn't work out like he plans
Disclaimer: Not mine, too bad.
Chapter Seven
It was four days before Rodney really woke up enough to actually be considered awake and another three days before he managed to stay awake for more than a few minutes at a time. Thankfully the week of sleep had done wonders for the pain and healing and even though he sported a multitude of bruises, splinted fingers and bound ribs, he was doing better than he had been, at least physically.
Opening his eyes, Rodney fought back a groan as he shifted higher on the bed. Teyla’s voice at his bedside made him turn his head, “How are you feeling, Doctor?”
Lifting his hand, the weight of it surprised him and his eyes were drawn to his splinted fingers and bruised hands. It took him a few seconds to realize they really didn’t hurt all that much anymore and he answered, “Umm…better, I think.”
“That is good to hear. We have been very worried,” said Teyla, smiling.
“Some less than others,” huffed Rodney, softly. Even being out of it for several days, he hadn’t missed that Sheppard had been noticeably absent from his bedside.
Well aware of the Colonel’s absence, Teyla changed the subject. “Ronon brought you some chocolate.”
Turning enough to see it, Rodney didn’t bother reaching for it. He hadn’t had much of an appetite lately. “Why?”
Teyla shrugged, a small smile gracing her face, “I believe it is his way of repaying the favor.”
Clearly confused, Rodney frowned, “What favor?”
“You supplied us with much needed food during our imprisonment, Doctor,” explained Teyla, her voice conveying her sincerity.
Rodney sighed, “Too little, too late.”
*******
Carson had tried to bring up the rape, but Rodney adamantly refused to acknowledge it even occurred. Even Heightmeyer couldn’t get him to budge and with no other recourse, they had to let it go. Neither was convinced.
Rodney wasn’t about to admit to it. It was a lot easier to deny it happened than deal with the fallout. Finding out that they’d been rescued before he could deliver the medicine made his sacrifice a lot less noble. The only good thing that had happened was he was too drugged to care those first few days when Carson treated the worst of it. By the time he woke up, it was all but healed and even a final examination of the area was done when he was too groggy to notice. It made putting it out of his mind a lot easier.
Later in the day, Ronon appeared with his lunch tray. The man had said very little, focusing instead on making sure Rodney had whatever he needed. Finding out that the scientist wasn’t eating as he should, Ronon took matters into his own hands and began showing up at mealtimes with his own tray of food and would sit with Rodney while they ate. For some reason, Rodney didn’t feel so guilty about eating with Ronon there. He just happened to be was visiting Elizabeth, Radek and Sheppard all appeared shortly after lunch. Rodney vaguely remembered that both Elizabeth and Radek had been at his bedside a few times when he’d woken earlier in the week, but he couldn’t recall once having seen the Colonel there.
He once thought of them as friends, but after the mishap on Doranda he wasn’t so sure what to believe anymore and he was in no mood to be having any kind of meaningful conversation with any of them. His feelings were too close to the surface and the last thing he needed was another reminder of his flaws and failures. John’s absence the past week made it all the more unsettling. Rodney could only imagine what the Colonel was thinking about their latest mission. He was grateful that Carson hadn’t made the rape public knowledge. Rodney wasn’t sure he could’ve dealt with Sheppard knowing the truth.
Ronon grabbed their trays and made a silent goodbye as the others gathered around the bed. Searching their faces for some clue to their presence, all Rodney could see was the awkwardness they were obviously feeling. Well, except for the Colonel, who refused to make eye contact. Rodney wasn’t all that surprised. He’d let him down despite his best intentions. Teyla and Ronon had forgiven him, John was obviously not so inclined if his absence the previous days was any indication.
On his guard, Rodney interrupted their discomfort, hoping for the emotional advantage, “If this is where you tell me that I messed up again, then save your breath. I already figured that part out myself.” Head up and expression firm, Rodney couldn’t take his eyes off the sling supporting Sheppard’s arm.
Their shocked looks were broken by Elizabeth, “You did nothing wrong, Rodney. We came to see how you’re doing.”
Rodney stared at their expectant faces in disbelief. The silence grew awkward when he didn’t respond. What exactly did they want to hear from him?
Pushing up his glasses, it was Radek that finally spoke, “This is where you answer, I am doing better, thank you for asking.”
“Why?”
“Why what?” stated Radek, puzzled by McKay’s confused expression.
Shifting, Rodney sat up straighter, ignoring the stab in his side as he glared at them. He could feel the heat rising in his face and he answered defensively, “Why do you care?” The shock of his comment registered on their faces in a combination of confusion, hurt and then guilt.
Elizabeth reddened, surprised by Rodney’s question, “You’re our friend. We’re concerned about you.”
Rodney snorted sarcastically, wincing at the discomfort it caused, “Yes of course, how could I not know that. You treated me like a leper for weeks and suddenly because I’m hurt we are all friends again. Obviously I missed an important step in there.” Agitated, his breathing increased and it pulled at his ribs. Their stunned looks with mouths agape only gave him more fuel. “If I hadn’t been hurt, how long were you going to make me suffer, a few more weeks, a month… forever?” The last word was said with contempt.
Rodney’s face was red and his breathing labored when Carson appeared, having heard the commotion. One look at McKay and he reached out to help, trying to ease him back onto the bed, “You need to calm down, Rodney.”
Clearly agitated, Rodney pushed away Carson’s hands as he scooted back out of reach, and practically shouted, “I will not calm down!” He glowered at the others, his splinted hands moving of their own accord as he vented his anger, loudly, “You come in here claiming you’re my friends but where were you three weeks ago. No one saw fit to see how I was doing then.” Rodney shouted, his hardened gaze glued to Sheppard as he continued, “I know I screwed up. I know you were mad and you had every right to be, but I apologized.”
When no one said a word, only stared at him in shock, including John, Rodney seemed to lose the tight control he had on the whole situation. He no longer addressed Elizabeth or Radek and all his internal turmoil was focused on John. “I did all I could to get your trust back and it meant nothing. You made me go back. You said to trust you. Well I did and it was for nothing. NOTHING! I tried to help. I tried to get food, medicine. I let that bastard Toban r…” In his vehemence, Rodney began coughing, gasping for air. Carson reached once again, settling his hands on Rodney’s chest and began to gently push him back onto the bed. Rodney wanted not part of it and struggled against his efforts, trying to bat at Carson’s hands. Sheppard and Radek both tried to help as the scientist fought the doctor’s attempts to calm him. Rodney was becoming more frantic, his voice rising sharply in panic as he rasped out harshly, “And stop touching me!”
His hands pushed them away as he pressed into the bed to get out of their grasp. Rodney gasped between breathes, pleading desperately, his voice high and strained, “Don’t… touch… me!”
Seeing the genuine fear in Rodney’s eyes, Carson raised his hands away and backed off, pushing the other hands away in the process. This was not the time for Rodney to have a flashback, not with everyone gathered to witness it. “It’s alright, Rodney. No one is goin’ to touch you, but you need to calm down.” Rodney was sucking for air, the pain in his eyes a clear indication that breathing was becoming difficult. He only relaxed a little when they backed away, giving him more room, but the distress was still there.
Carson reached for the oxygen mask as Rodney gasped for air. Rodney’s eyes darted nervously between each of them, stopping on the Colonel’s face. He saw concern and something he couldn’t identify. Accepting the mask Carson offered, Rodney took a couple of breaths and warily let the doctor help him lie back on the bed, his breathing still very painful and shallow. Closing his eyes for a few seconds while he took in some precious air, he opened them to the concerned expressions of the others.
His anger fled and he sighed wearily, “Forget it. You can all go back to pretending you’re my friends and we can all live happily ever after.”
Sheppard stepped closer and reached out hesitantly to touch McKay’s arm, “We are your friends, you know?”
Unconvinced, Rodney shrugged his arm away and rolled to his side with a pained sigh, “I’m tired.”
Carson, seeing Rodney’s distress over the whole situation, motioned towards the door to the others, “He needs to rest.” He began administering a sedative to Rodney’s IV, hoping it would calm him down.
They all turned to leave, but not before Elizabeth gave Carson a pointed look of concern. All Carson could do was shrug. Rodney obviously wasn’t dealing with the situation as well as he thought he was. Dr. Weir had also heard Rodney’s almost slip, telling them both that he did indeed remember what happened on Kormok.
In the hallway, Radek wisely slunk away when John cornered Elizabeth in a stern voice, “You want to tell me what the hell that was all about?”
“You were there. You know as much as I do,” said Elizabeth, her face betraying nothing.
“That’s bullshit, Elizabeth and you know it. You and Carson know more than you’re saying. Why did he react like that?” His arm gestured to the infirmary and what had taken place there. John had seen the look that passed between the two, adding to his already guilty conscience. Something had happened to Rodney that they weren’t telling him about.
Elizabeth crossed her arms, relying on her diplomacy skills to get through this conversation, “I’m sorry, John, but I’m not at liberty to tell you. It’s between Rodney and his doctor. I have to respect patient-doctor confidentiality.”
Colonel Sheppard was glaring fiercely at her and she fought the urge to step back as he growled, “He’s on my team.”
“I understand that but there is nothing I can say. If you want to know you will have to ask Rodney.” With that she walked away, hoping he wouldn’t follow. It was difficult not to tell him the truth, knowing if anyone could help Rodney it would be Sheppard. They were at one time best friends and Rodney needed that now more than anything. She only hoped that John wouldn’t give up.
Sheppard watched her walk off, his rage barely contained as his hand clenched into a fist. Seeing Rodney shaking in fear and screaming at them was unsettling. McKay could rant with the best of them and there was no escaping his sharp tongue, but this was different. There was terror in his eyes as they’d tried to help and their attempt to console him had fallen flat. Their closeness had made things worse, not better. The bond of friendship had been broken and Rodney no longer trusted them.
Rodney was perfectly justified in his reaction considering the way they’d treated him before being injured. What was disturbing was the vehemence in his words and the deep down hurt that they’d caused him by denying him the same consideration they’d have expected from friends. Once again, John felt as if he’d let down his friend.
Sitting heavily into a nearby chair, he stared at the infirmary door for several minutes before lurching to his feet with a new determination. Radek…Radek could help him do what he needed to do. It would take some convincing, but Radek was Rodney’s friend and between the two of them they should be able to sneak into the files and find out what Carson and Elizabeth were hiding.
Part Eight
Author:
chaps1870Pairing: McShep
Rating: R for violence
Summary: Rodney tries to regain the trust he's lost only it doesn't work out like he plans
Disclaimer: Not mine, too bad.
Chapter Seven
It was four days before Rodney really woke up enough to actually be considered awake and another three days before he managed to stay awake for more than a few minutes at a time. Thankfully the week of sleep had done wonders for the pain and healing and even though he sported a multitude of bruises, splinted fingers and bound ribs, he was doing better than he had been, at least physically.
Opening his eyes, Rodney fought back a groan as he shifted higher on the bed. Teyla’s voice at his bedside made him turn his head, “How are you feeling, Doctor?”
Lifting his hand, the weight of it surprised him and his eyes were drawn to his splinted fingers and bruised hands. It took him a few seconds to realize they really didn’t hurt all that much anymore and he answered, “Umm…better, I think.”
“That is good to hear. We have been very worried,” said Teyla, smiling.
“Some less than others,” huffed Rodney, softly. Even being out of it for several days, he hadn’t missed that Sheppard had been noticeably absent from his bedside.
Well aware of the Colonel’s absence, Teyla changed the subject. “Ronon brought you some chocolate.”
Turning enough to see it, Rodney didn’t bother reaching for it. He hadn’t had much of an appetite lately. “Why?”
Teyla shrugged, a small smile gracing her face, “I believe it is his way of repaying the favor.”
Clearly confused, Rodney frowned, “What favor?”
“You supplied us with much needed food during our imprisonment, Doctor,” explained Teyla, her voice conveying her sincerity.
Rodney sighed, “Too little, too late.”
*******
Carson had tried to bring up the rape, but Rodney adamantly refused to acknowledge it even occurred. Even Heightmeyer couldn’t get him to budge and with no other recourse, they had to let it go. Neither was convinced.
Rodney wasn’t about to admit to it. It was a lot easier to deny it happened than deal with the fallout. Finding out that they’d been rescued before he could deliver the medicine made his sacrifice a lot less noble. The only good thing that had happened was he was too drugged to care those first few days when Carson treated the worst of it. By the time he woke up, it was all but healed and even a final examination of the area was done when he was too groggy to notice. It made putting it out of his mind a lot easier.
Later in the day, Ronon appeared with his lunch tray. The man had said very little, focusing instead on making sure Rodney had whatever he needed. Finding out that the scientist wasn’t eating as he should, Ronon took matters into his own hands and began showing up at mealtimes with his own tray of food and would sit with Rodney while they ate. For some reason, Rodney didn’t feel so guilty about eating with Ronon there. He just happened to be was visiting Elizabeth, Radek and Sheppard all appeared shortly after lunch. Rodney vaguely remembered that both Elizabeth and Radek had been at his bedside a few times when he’d woken earlier in the week, but he couldn’t recall once having seen the Colonel there.
He once thought of them as friends, but after the mishap on Doranda he wasn’t so sure what to believe anymore and he was in no mood to be having any kind of meaningful conversation with any of them. His feelings were too close to the surface and the last thing he needed was another reminder of his flaws and failures. John’s absence the past week made it all the more unsettling. Rodney could only imagine what the Colonel was thinking about their latest mission. He was grateful that Carson hadn’t made the rape public knowledge. Rodney wasn’t sure he could’ve dealt with Sheppard knowing the truth.
Ronon grabbed their trays and made a silent goodbye as the others gathered around the bed. Searching their faces for some clue to their presence, all Rodney could see was the awkwardness they were obviously feeling. Well, except for the Colonel, who refused to make eye contact. Rodney wasn’t all that surprised. He’d let him down despite his best intentions. Teyla and Ronon had forgiven him, John was obviously not so inclined if his absence the previous days was any indication.
On his guard, Rodney interrupted their discomfort, hoping for the emotional advantage, “If this is where you tell me that I messed up again, then save your breath. I already figured that part out myself.” Head up and expression firm, Rodney couldn’t take his eyes off the sling supporting Sheppard’s arm.
Their shocked looks were broken by Elizabeth, “You did nothing wrong, Rodney. We came to see how you’re doing.”
Rodney stared at their expectant faces in disbelief. The silence grew awkward when he didn’t respond. What exactly did they want to hear from him?
Pushing up his glasses, it was Radek that finally spoke, “This is where you answer, I am doing better, thank you for asking.”
“Why?”
“Why what?” stated Radek, puzzled by McKay’s confused expression.
Shifting, Rodney sat up straighter, ignoring the stab in his side as he glared at them. He could feel the heat rising in his face and he answered defensively, “Why do you care?” The shock of his comment registered on their faces in a combination of confusion, hurt and then guilt.
Elizabeth reddened, surprised by Rodney’s question, “You’re our friend. We’re concerned about you.”
Rodney snorted sarcastically, wincing at the discomfort it caused, “Yes of course, how could I not know that. You treated me like a leper for weeks and suddenly because I’m hurt we are all friends again. Obviously I missed an important step in there.” Agitated, his breathing increased and it pulled at his ribs. Their stunned looks with mouths agape only gave him more fuel. “If I hadn’t been hurt, how long were you going to make me suffer, a few more weeks, a month… forever?” The last word was said with contempt.
Rodney’s face was red and his breathing labored when Carson appeared, having heard the commotion. One look at McKay and he reached out to help, trying to ease him back onto the bed, “You need to calm down, Rodney.”
Clearly agitated, Rodney pushed away Carson’s hands as he scooted back out of reach, and practically shouted, “I will not calm down!” He glowered at the others, his splinted hands moving of their own accord as he vented his anger, loudly, “You come in here claiming you’re my friends but where were you three weeks ago. No one saw fit to see how I was doing then.” Rodney shouted, his hardened gaze glued to Sheppard as he continued, “I know I screwed up. I know you were mad and you had every right to be, but I apologized.”
When no one said a word, only stared at him in shock, including John, Rodney seemed to lose the tight control he had on the whole situation. He no longer addressed Elizabeth or Radek and all his internal turmoil was focused on John. “I did all I could to get your trust back and it meant nothing. You made me go back. You said to trust you. Well I did and it was for nothing. NOTHING! I tried to help. I tried to get food, medicine. I let that bastard Toban r…” In his vehemence, Rodney began coughing, gasping for air. Carson reached once again, settling his hands on Rodney’s chest and began to gently push him back onto the bed. Rodney wanted not part of it and struggled against his efforts, trying to bat at Carson’s hands. Sheppard and Radek both tried to help as the scientist fought the doctor’s attempts to calm him. Rodney was becoming more frantic, his voice rising sharply in panic as he rasped out harshly, “And stop touching me!”
His hands pushed them away as he pressed into the bed to get out of their grasp. Rodney gasped between breathes, pleading desperately, his voice high and strained, “Don’t… touch… me!”
Seeing the genuine fear in Rodney’s eyes, Carson raised his hands away and backed off, pushing the other hands away in the process. This was not the time for Rodney to have a flashback, not with everyone gathered to witness it. “It’s alright, Rodney. No one is goin’ to touch you, but you need to calm down.” Rodney was sucking for air, the pain in his eyes a clear indication that breathing was becoming difficult. He only relaxed a little when they backed away, giving him more room, but the distress was still there.
Carson reached for the oxygen mask as Rodney gasped for air. Rodney’s eyes darted nervously between each of them, stopping on the Colonel’s face. He saw concern and something he couldn’t identify. Accepting the mask Carson offered, Rodney took a couple of breaths and warily let the doctor help him lie back on the bed, his breathing still very painful and shallow. Closing his eyes for a few seconds while he took in some precious air, he opened them to the concerned expressions of the others.
His anger fled and he sighed wearily, “Forget it. You can all go back to pretending you’re my friends and we can all live happily ever after.”
Sheppard stepped closer and reached out hesitantly to touch McKay’s arm, “We are your friends, you know?”
Unconvinced, Rodney shrugged his arm away and rolled to his side with a pained sigh, “I’m tired.”
Carson, seeing Rodney’s distress over the whole situation, motioned towards the door to the others, “He needs to rest.” He began administering a sedative to Rodney’s IV, hoping it would calm him down.
They all turned to leave, but not before Elizabeth gave Carson a pointed look of concern. All Carson could do was shrug. Rodney obviously wasn’t dealing with the situation as well as he thought he was. Dr. Weir had also heard Rodney’s almost slip, telling them both that he did indeed remember what happened on Kormok.
In the hallway, Radek wisely slunk away when John cornered Elizabeth in a stern voice, “You want to tell me what the hell that was all about?”
“You were there. You know as much as I do,” said Elizabeth, her face betraying nothing.
“That’s bullshit, Elizabeth and you know it. You and Carson know more than you’re saying. Why did he react like that?” His arm gestured to the infirmary and what had taken place there. John had seen the look that passed between the two, adding to his already guilty conscience. Something had happened to Rodney that they weren’t telling him about.
Elizabeth crossed her arms, relying on her diplomacy skills to get through this conversation, “I’m sorry, John, but I’m not at liberty to tell you. It’s between Rodney and his doctor. I have to respect patient-doctor confidentiality.”
Colonel Sheppard was glaring fiercely at her and she fought the urge to step back as he growled, “He’s on my team.”
“I understand that but there is nothing I can say. If you want to know you will have to ask Rodney.” With that she walked away, hoping he wouldn’t follow. It was difficult not to tell him the truth, knowing if anyone could help Rodney it would be Sheppard. They were at one time best friends and Rodney needed that now more than anything. She only hoped that John wouldn’t give up.
Sheppard watched her walk off, his rage barely contained as his hand clenched into a fist. Seeing Rodney shaking in fear and screaming at them was unsettling. McKay could rant with the best of them and there was no escaping his sharp tongue, but this was different. There was terror in his eyes as they’d tried to help and their attempt to console him had fallen flat. Their closeness had made things worse, not better. The bond of friendship had been broken and Rodney no longer trusted them.
Rodney was perfectly justified in his reaction considering the way they’d treated him before being injured. What was disturbing was the vehemence in his words and the deep down hurt that they’d caused him by denying him the same consideration they’d have expected from friends. Once again, John felt as if he’d let down his friend.
Sitting heavily into a nearby chair, he stared at the infirmary door for several minutes before lurching to his feet with a new determination. Radek…Radek could help him do what he needed to do. It would take some convincing, but Radek was Rodney’s friend and between the two of them they should be able to sneak into the files and find out what Carson and Elizabeth were hiding.
Part Eight
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From:
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I am glad that your next chapter will concentrate more on John because it would be nice to see him deal with his feelings and I'm sure he will be feeling very guilty once he finds out.
A very riveting series - I'm hooked and look forward to the next chapter.
Thanks,
alex
From:
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From:
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And when, pray tell, is the next chapter due, tomorrow? Cause really, my nails are already down to the skin, can't get much lower without drawing blood. And then, I won't be able to write or review!
From:
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From:
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You mentioned tangents? Do we get a privileged viewing of eight tomorrow?
~Inn
From:
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From: (Anonymous)
Re: Abandon all hope.......Part seven
This is my first time posting on LJ. But I have to say that this story and this had move me close to tears as I was reading about poor Rodney emotions as he was losing control. Good job you have really touch me deeply.
From:
Re: Abandon all hope.......Part seven