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Title: Broken Trust
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
chaps1870
Pairing: McShep
Spoilers: Trinity
Rating: R
Summary: Rodney tries to regain the trust he's lost only it doesn't work out like he plans
Disclaimer: Not mine, too bad.
Chapter Nine
John arrived at the infirmary the next morning as Radek was leaving. Judging by the smile on the scientist’s face, things had gone well with his apology to Rodney. Unfortunately, John wasn’t so lucky because Rodney refused to speak to him. That wouldn’t have been so bad if Rodney had displayed some anger or frustration or even hurt as John offered his own apology, but all he did was roll over and close his eyes, completely shutting him out. When Carson arrived, Rodney calmly asked that he not have any more visitors.
Sheppard tried arguing, but Carson practically dragged him into the hall. Shrugging from his grasp, John glared at him and tried to go back, “Look, I just want to talk to him.”
Carson planted his hand firmly in the middle of the Colonel’s chest. “He doesn’t want to see you. Unlike some, I respect my patient’s wishes.”
“What does that mean?” growled Sheppard, pushing against Carson’s hand.
“I know what you did. I also know you couldn’t have done it alone. I’d put money on Radek,” said Carson, truly angry at Sheppard. “What the two of did violated Rodney’s privacy.”
“I just wanted…”
Carson cut him off, “I don’t care about what you wanted, Colonel. You hacked into his medical file and took information I’m very sure he wouldn’t want you to know about. How do you think Rodney is goin’ to feel when he finds that out? As hard as he’s trying to forget it happened I don’t think he’s goin’ to be too happy with you knowin’.”
“I wasn’t planning on telling him. I just wanted to know why he acted like he did.” John looked at Carson, his voice quiet, “I just want to be there for him. Is that too much to ask?”
Sighing, Carson answered, his eyes apologetic despite his words. “I’m sorry, Colonel. Rodney doesn’t want you in there and I won’t go against him. Not on this. He’s coping with it the only way he knows how and if that means keepin’ you away than I have to respect that. Right now he’s in no condition to deal with much more than getting better physically. I’ve no doubt the other will come with time. I’ve asked Kate to come by and see him later today and maybe with what happened yesterday, he’ll talk to her.”
“So what am I supposed to do until then, just sit around and let him think I don’t care?”
Carson closed his eyes briefly, opening them as he turned to leave, “You already did that, Colonel, when you didn’t visit him all week.”
John watched Carson reenter the infirmary and drifted closer to the door, his eyes finding Rodney’s bed. He watched as Carson stood at his bedside, the two of them talking. It should have been him in there talking to Rodney. His guilt gnawed at him and it wasn’t going to get better until he had a chance to talk to Rodney, make him understand that none of what happened was his fault. John knew it wouldn’t be easy. Rodney could be stubborn to a fault and he’d already made it very obvious that he wanted little to do with him. Considering what they almost had a one point, it made the hurt that much worse.
*********
It was three days before Rodney was finally released to his room. Three days that John paced the hall outside the infirmary, roamed the depths of Atlantis late into the night and agonized over how to approach Rodney if and when he got the chance. He was beginning to regret hacking into the files. Not because he found about the rape, but rather the way it would appear to Rodney. He’d once again betrayed the man’s trust. Even if John never gave himself away, he knew he’d have to eventually tell Rodney what he’d done. He promised himself it was time to be honest with Rodney and hacking into his medical file wasn’t the most honest way to win back the scientist’s friendship.
John found Rodney shortly after he settled in his room, but was quickly dismissed with an exhausted frown, “Please, just leave me alone.”
“I just want to talk.” John hated that he was practically whining, but at the moment he was ready to beg.
“Well I don’t want to talk to you. I think we covered it,” said Rodney as he got up and trudged to his dresser for some clothes. Picking something out, he headed towards the bathroom to shower. He looked over his shoulder at Sheppard. “Why are you still here?”
Without thinking, John stepped closer and put a hand on Rodney’s shoulder as he turned away, “Just give me a second, would you?”
Rodney reacted, jerking away from John’s grasp, “Don’t!”
Even through Rodney’s shirt, John could feel him trembling and pulled his hand away, angry at himself for the slight. He should have known better than to touch the man, he just wanted to talk to Rodney before he escaped. “Sorry,” said John, sympathetically. “Look, Rodney I just need to say some things. I was wrong, okay. You didn’t do anything wrong. Everything you did on that planet was you trying to earn my trust when you never should have had to do that.”
Rodney stared then shook his head, almost amused, but the sadness still lingered in his eyes. “You have no idea.” He seemed to go blank then, lost in thought for a second or two.
“I do, Rodney,” said John softly.
“No. You. Don’t,” blurted Rodney, his anger resurfacing.
John hesitated, unsure what to do. He could admit he knew about the rape and face Rodney’s wrath or back off and risk Rodney pushing even further from him. Taking a deep breath, he made the decision. “I know that Toban raped you and I know you did it to get me the medicine.”
“You don’t know…” Rodney’s eyes widened and his face lost all color as he realized what John was saying. The despair and mortification John saw briefly was quickly replaced with a fury he’d never seen in Rodney’s features before, not even in the infirmary. Rodney pointed to the door, “Haven’t you heard of fucking privacy. If I wanted YOU to know I would have told you. NOW, GET OUT! I don’t need your fucking pity.”
Being pushed towards the door, John twisted away but had to grab for Rodney as he lost his balance at the sudden move. Holding Rodney in his arms jolted John more than he imagined it would and for a brief moment he was sure Rodney felt it too. The rightness of it only lasted a second before Rodney erupted, his arms flailing as he struggled to get away. John tried to reach out, hold him and make it better, but Rodney was panicking, his breath coming in fast pants as he glared at Sheppard, “OUT! Just get out. I don’t want this. I don’t want you. I want you to leave. NOW!”
“Damn it, Rodney. Why won’t you let me help you?”
“Because it doesn’t mean anything. I tried you bastard, and you didn’t want anything to do with me.” Rodney‘s face filled with rage as he shouted at John, “I let you in again and the next time will only be worse. I don’t need you and you made it pretty clear you didn’t need me. Leave!”
John was shaking now, afraid of letting go of his last chance to make Rodney see the truth, “Please, Rodney. I know I treated you like shit and you have every right to be pissed, but can’t we fix this? I’m sorry, okay. I’m sorry for everything I did and how I treated you. I’m sorry for everything I said to you on the planet. I was wrong.” Desperate, John reached into his pocket and pulled out the medicine bag. He shoved it towards Rodney, “This…this is what you did for me. I know that Rodney. I know you let Toban rape you for the medicine. You think I can just let that go?”
Snatching it out of John’s hand, Rodney’s jaw clenched tightly. “Where did you get this?”
“Ronon found it in the infirmary and said I should have it,” shrugged John.
“It wasn’t any of his business or yours,” seethed Rodney, tossing the bag away in his anger. Rodney’s whole body was shaking now with anger or pain or both. One arm wrapped his ribs, so John knew that Rodney was hurting, but the man refused to acknowledge it. Instead he glared at John, his body sweating and swaying from the exertion and his breathing getting worse.
Concerned, John tried to stir him towards the bed, “You need to sit down before you fall down.”
Backing up, as John moved closer, Rodney was breathing heavily. He held his splinted hands defensively, his eyes pleading, “Can you just back off? I need some space. I haven’t a moment to myself since I got back from the planet.” He swiped his forearm across his sweaty brow, “I just want to be left alone. Is that too much to ask? I need a shower…” The back of his knees hit the bed and he sank, his voice faltering as the fight went out of him, “…I need to sit down.” His breathing still labored, Rodney looked exhausted, physically and mentally.
John wanted to sit beside him, take him in his arms and somehow make it better, but Rodney was still eyeing him cautiously. Instead he backed off, his shoulders slumping in defeat. “Sorry. I just want to fix this. I hate that we can’t get back to where we were.”
Dejected, Rodney shook his head, “There’s nothing to fix because I can’t go through that again.” His look was one of utter despair as he muttered, “I can’t.” Grabbing his clothes, Rodney hurried into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.
Staring at the closed door, John was almost glad he was alone. He was sure his face showed all the pain and hurt he was feeling as Rodney turned his back and walked away. Of all the things he imagined when he’d come to talk to McKay, this wasn’t one of the worst case scenarios, although now it really was the worst. He imagined anger and screaming, maybe even outright rejection, but the total despair in Rodney’s face when he said he couldn’t do it any more tore at John’s heart. Seeing Rodney hurt this way was even worse than holding his battered body that night on the planet. And he only had himself to blame because he’d put that look on Rodney’s face…the one that said I don’t trust you not to rip my heart again.
John debated staying, being there when Rodney returned or leaving as Rodney had asked. In the end he walked away, giving Rodney the time and solitude he needed.
Part Ten
Author:
chaps1870Pairing: McShep
Spoilers: Trinity
Rating: R
Summary: Rodney tries to regain the trust he's lost only it doesn't work out like he plans
Disclaimer: Not mine, too bad.
Chapter Nine
John arrived at the infirmary the next morning as Radek was leaving. Judging by the smile on the scientist’s face, things had gone well with his apology to Rodney. Unfortunately, John wasn’t so lucky because Rodney refused to speak to him. That wouldn’t have been so bad if Rodney had displayed some anger or frustration or even hurt as John offered his own apology, but all he did was roll over and close his eyes, completely shutting him out. When Carson arrived, Rodney calmly asked that he not have any more visitors.
Sheppard tried arguing, but Carson practically dragged him into the hall. Shrugging from his grasp, John glared at him and tried to go back, “Look, I just want to talk to him.”
Carson planted his hand firmly in the middle of the Colonel’s chest. “He doesn’t want to see you. Unlike some, I respect my patient’s wishes.”
“What does that mean?” growled Sheppard, pushing against Carson’s hand.
“I know what you did. I also know you couldn’t have done it alone. I’d put money on Radek,” said Carson, truly angry at Sheppard. “What the two of did violated Rodney’s privacy.”
“I just wanted…”
Carson cut him off, “I don’t care about what you wanted, Colonel. You hacked into his medical file and took information I’m very sure he wouldn’t want you to know about. How do you think Rodney is goin’ to feel when he finds that out? As hard as he’s trying to forget it happened I don’t think he’s goin’ to be too happy with you knowin’.”
“I wasn’t planning on telling him. I just wanted to know why he acted like he did.” John looked at Carson, his voice quiet, “I just want to be there for him. Is that too much to ask?”
Sighing, Carson answered, his eyes apologetic despite his words. “I’m sorry, Colonel. Rodney doesn’t want you in there and I won’t go against him. Not on this. He’s coping with it the only way he knows how and if that means keepin’ you away than I have to respect that. Right now he’s in no condition to deal with much more than getting better physically. I’ve no doubt the other will come with time. I’ve asked Kate to come by and see him later today and maybe with what happened yesterday, he’ll talk to her.”
“So what am I supposed to do until then, just sit around and let him think I don’t care?”
Carson closed his eyes briefly, opening them as he turned to leave, “You already did that, Colonel, when you didn’t visit him all week.”
John watched Carson reenter the infirmary and drifted closer to the door, his eyes finding Rodney’s bed. He watched as Carson stood at his bedside, the two of them talking. It should have been him in there talking to Rodney. His guilt gnawed at him and it wasn’t going to get better until he had a chance to talk to Rodney, make him understand that none of what happened was his fault. John knew it wouldn’t be easy. Rodney could be stubborn to a fault and he’d already made it very obvious that he wanted little to do with him. Considering what they almost had a one point, it made the hurt that much worse.
*********
It was three days before Rodney was finally released to his room. Three days that John paced the hall outside the infirmary, roamed the depths of Atlantis late into the night and agonized over how to approach Rodney if and when he got the chance. He was beginning to regret hacking into the files. Not because he found about the rape, but rather the way it would appear to Rodney. He’d once again betrayed the man’s trust. Even if John never gave himself away, he knew he’d have to eventually tell Rodney what he’d done. He promised himself it was time to be honest with Rodney and hacking into his medical file wasn’t the most honest way to win back the scientist’s friendship.
John found Rodney shortly after he settled in his room, but was quickly dismissed with an exhausted frown, “Please, just leave me alone.”
“I just want to talk.” John hated that he was practically whining, but at the moment he was ready to beg.
“Well I don’t want to talk to you. I think we covered it,” said Rodney as he got up and trudged to his dresser for some clothes. Picking something out, he headed towards the bathroom to shower. He looked over his shoulder at Sheppard. “Why are you still here?”
Without thinking, John stepped closer and put a hand on Rodney’s shoulder as he turned away, “Just give me a second, would you?”
Rodney reacted, jerking away from John’s grasp, “Don’t!”
Even through Rodney’s shirt, John could feel him trembling and pulled his hand away, angry at himself for the slight. He should have known better than to touch the man, he just wanted to talk to Rodney before he escaped. “Sorry,” said John, sympathetically. “Look, Rodney I just need to say some things. I was wrong, okay. You didn’t do anything wrong. Everything you did on that planet was you trying to earn my trust when you never should have had to do that.”
Rodney stared then shook his head, almost amused, but the sadness still lingered in his eyes. “You have no idea.” He seemed to go blank then, lost in thought for a second or two.
“I do, Rodney,” said John softly.
“No. You. Don’t,” blurted Rodney, his anger resurfacing.
John hesitated, unsure what to do. He could admit he knew about the rape and face Rodney’s wrath or back off and risk Rodney pushing even further from him. Taking a deep breath, he made the decision. “I know that Toban raped you and I know you did it to get me the medicine.”
“You don’t know…” Rodney’s eyes widened and his face lost all color as he realized what John was saying. The despair and mortification John saw briefly was quickly replaced with a fury he’d never seen in Rodney’s features before, not even in the infirmary. Rodney pointed to the door, “Haven’t you heard of fucking privacy. If I wanted YOU to know I would have told you. NOW, GET OUT! I don’t need your fucking pity.”
Being pushed towards the door, John twisted away but had to grab for Rodney as he lost his balance at the sudden move. Holding Rodney in his arms jolted John more than he imagined it would and for a brief moment he was sure Rodney felt it too. The rightness of it only lasted a second before Rodney erupted, his arms flailing as he struggled to get away. John tried to reach out, hold him and make it better, but Rodney was panicking, his breath coming in fast pants as he glared at Sheppard, “OUT! Just get out. I don’t want this. I don’t want you. I want you to leave. NOW!”
“Damn it, Rodney. Why won’t you let me help you?”
“Because it doesn’t mean anything. I tried you bastard, and you didn’t want anything to do with me.” Rodney‘s face filled with rage as he shouted at John, “I let you in again and the next time will only be worse. I don’t need you and you made it pretty clear you didn’t need me. Leave!”
John was shaking now, afraid of letting go of his last chance to make Rodney see the truth, “Please, Rodney. I know I treated you like shit and you have every right to be pissed, but can’t we fix this? I’m sorry, okay. I’m sorry for everything I did and how I treated you. I’m sorry for everything I said to you on the planet. I was wrong.” Desperate, John reached into his pocket and pulled out the medicine bag. He shoved it towards Rodney, “This…this is what you did for me. I know that Rodney. I know you let Toban rape you for the medicine. You think I can just let that go?”
Snatching it out of John’s hand, Rodney’s jaw clenched tightly. “Where did you get this?”
“Ronon found it in the infirmary and said I should have it,” shrugged John.
“It wasn’t any of his business or yours,” seethed Rodney, tossing the bag away in his anger. Rodney’s whole body was shaking now with anger or pain or both. One arm wrapped his ribs, so John knew that Rodney was hurting, but the man refused to acknowledge it. Instead he glared at John, his body sweating and swaying from the exertion and his breathing getting worse.
Concerned, John tried to stir him towards the bed, “You need to sit down before you fall down.”
Backing up, as John moved closer, Rodney was breathing heavily. He held his splinted hands defensively, his eyes pleading, “Can you just back off? I need some space. I haven’t a moment to myself since I got back from the planet.” He swiped his forearm across his sweaty brow, “I just want to be left alone. Is that too much to ask? I need a shower…” The back of his knees hit the bed and he sank, his voice faltering as the fight went out of him, “…I need to sit down.” His breathing still labored, Rodney looked exhausted, physically and mentally.
John wanted to sit beside him, take him in his arms and somehow make it better, but Rodney was still eyeing him cautiously. Instead he backed off, his shoulders slumping in defeat. “Sorry. I just want to fix this. I hate that we can’t get back to where we were.”
Dejected, Rodney shook his head, “There’s nothing to fix because I can’t go through that again.” His look was one of utter despair as he muttered, “I can’t.” Grabbing his clothes, Rodney hurried into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.
Staring at the closed door, John was almost glad he was alone. He was sure his face showed all the pain and hurt he was feeling as Rodney turned his back and walked away. Of all the things he imagined when he’d come to talk to McKay, this wasn’t one of the worst case scenarios, although now it really was the worst. He imagined anger and screaming, maybe even outright rejection, but the total despair in Rodney’s face when he said he couldn’t do it any more tore at John’s heart. Seeing Rodney hurt this way was even worse than holding his battered body that night on the planet. And he only had himself to blame because he’d put that look on Rodney’s face…the one that said I don’t trust you not to rip my heart again.
John debated staying, being there when Rodney returned or leaving as Rodney had asked. In the end he walked away, giving Rodney the time and solitude he needed.
Part Ten
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What a wonderful thing to wake up to. Well, I mean, the fact that there's new fic, not that your ripping my heart, and the boy's as well, out of our chests and going an Irish Jig on them. But, I guess if you keep writing awsome stuff like this, I'll let you dance a little while longer. Hell, I may even join in!
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