![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Title: Broken Trust
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
chaps1870
Pairing: McShep
Rating: R for violence
Summary: Rodney tries to regain the trust he's lost only it doesn't work out like he plans
Disclaimer: Not mine, too bad.
A/N I want to say thanks to all the great responses this story has recieved. Because I barely made the promised today's post deadline, I went ahead and finished it up so you get the whole shebang rather than wait another day for it. A big thank you to my beta...we're even now!
Chapter 10
He tried to keep busy. Tried to give Rodney the space he needed, but John still found himself wandering the corridor outside McKay’s room at odd hours. It had only been a two days and Rodney still hid out, only letting Teyla or Ronon in and only because they insisted he eat.
It was late when John got the call. One of his men passing by McKay’s room heard a racket and when it didn’t stop, he’d called Colonel Sheppard. Now John was running full tilt through Atlantis, his heart pounding and not from exercise. He passed Carson and then Heightmeyer on the way. Rounding the corner near Rodney’s quarters, he saw Zelenka and a couple of his own men staring nervously at the door.
Skidding to a halt he asked, “What’s going on?” John flinched away from the door when a loud crash came from inside Rodney’s room.
Radek nodded toward the door, “That is what is happening.”
Without hesitating, John thought ‘open’. When the door didn’t respond he backed away and snapped at Radek, “Open it.”
“I will need some tools,” said the scientist, hesitant to leave.
Another something hit the door and Sheppard growled at Radek, “Go!”
“Yes, yes I am going.” Radek hurried away.
John turned to his men, “You can go.” They didn’t need to witness Rodney’s meltdown.
“Yes, sir.” Neither man argued, grateful to get away from their commanding officer.
Facing the door, John grabbed the door frame and pressed his forehead into the door, “Open the door, Rodney.” Something loud hit the inside of the door, making John jump and he cursed loudly, “Damn it, McKay, open the fucking door or I swear to God I’ll break it down.”
Another crash came from within and John reached up to pound on the door. Kate Heightmeyer’s voice came from behind him, ‘Colonel.”
He ignored her and continued pounding on the door, yelling at Rodney to open the door.
“COLONEL SHEPPARD!”
John turned on her sharply and barked, “WHAT?!” Seeing her flinch at his brusque tone, he felt badly and sighed, “I’m sorry. What do you want?”
Squaring her shoulders in an effort to regain some confidence she spoke, “I think you should wait before you try barging in on Rodney.”
Staring as if she’d grown two heads, he questioned, “In case you didn’t notice he’s tearing up his room.”
“I know what he’s doing, Colonel and I think he needs this,” said Heightmeyer.
John was thinking she was absolutely nuts and was about to say so, when Carson cut him off with an explanation, “Rodney has been in denial. This is the first real reaction he’s had to the whole situation. I know it’s not ideal and frankly I’m worried he’s going to hurt himself but Kate and I both see this as therapeutic. At least he isn’t denying it and after he’s done being angry maybe we can help him.”
“So we just sit out here and wait until he runs down or hurts himself?” asked John, hiding the anxiety he was feeling at the thought of Rodney alone inside his room.
Kate spoke up, “I know it’s difficult.”
Difficult didn’t begin to describe what John was feeling. Crossing his arms, he leaned against the door, getting as close as he could without appearing too obvious. If he’d been alone, he’d have his ear to the door, desperate for any sounds that came from within. He closed his eyes, shutting down the sense of sight to concentrate on hearing. It didn’t help and when Elizabeth arrived, he was forced to open his eyes. A quick update later and they were all listening intently for Rodney to stop his tirade, which didn’t show any sign of letting up.
Radek reappeared, out of breath. He started right in on the door, only to be stopped by Sheppard’s hand on his arm. “Wait.”
Confused, Radek stopped, “Huh?”
Elizabeth explained, “Dr. Heightmeyer thinks it better if we let Rodney get this out of his system.”
Unconvinced, Radek looked at Sheppard for confirmation, who nodded briefly. There was no mistaking the conflict in the Colonel’s eyes that only Radek noticed before the mask fell back into place. He addressed the scientist, “Do what you have to do to fix it. I want it open as soon as we have a go.”
Nodding, Radek set to work. As the others settled to wait, Sheppard sidled up to Radek and leaned close, his voice for the scientist alone, “I’m going in alone. Can you keep them out ‘til I’ve had a chance to talk to him?”
Radek looked at John and gave him a barely discernable nod, then whispered back pointedly, “You have strong gene, Colonel. I’m sure if you lock the door, it will prove difficult to get in…with my help.”
Going back to the door, John resisted the urge to pound on it. Instead he turned his back and slid to the floor, listening for silence. Silence would mean that Rodney was finished and John could go in, do damage control. He winced when the door at his back reverberated from the impact of something from within. Rodney was obviously well and truly pissed. The others settled along the wall opposite, no one really sure what to say so they that sat in an uncomfortable silence…waiting.
Glancing at his watch, John was shocked to discover it had only been fifteen minutes since his arrival. Leaning his head back, he closed his eyes. Time passed with the occasional sound behind him. Opening his eyes, he looked at his watch…seventeen minutes. At nineteen minutes no more sounds came from within Rodney’s room and John jumped to his feet, ready to go in. He ordered Zelenka, “Open it.”
Radek turned to comply when Carson jerked to his feet, “Wait.” Stopping, Radek looked at Sheppard for direction.
John glared at Beckett, his hand clenched in a fist at his side. “I’m going in there.”
“I’m not saying you can’t, Colonel, but I think we should give him a little more time.” Carson paused and Kate supplied a reason, “He’s right. Rodney may need a few minutes after all that anger.”
Joining them was Elizabeth’s final plea for John to wait. “Please John, I know this is hard.,,”
Cutting her off, John snapped, “No! Hard is sitting here knowing he’s having a meltdown in there and we are out here discussing it like it’s some temper tantrum.” His arm gestured to the door, “He’s in there alone because he thinks he doesn’t have any friends he can go to. Well, no more!” John stormed to the door, shot a look at Radek and growled, “Open it.”
Radek didn’t hesitate and fiddled with the panel. John gave him a final look as he stepped inside and the door hissed shut behind him. He could hear a muted argument but tuned it out assured that Radek would come through, allowing him this time with Rodney.
The room was bathed in heavy shadows and it took a few seconds for John’s eyes to adjust. The room was completely and thoroughly trashed. Glass, furniture, books and unidentifiable rubble littered the floor. Dust settled, outlined in the light that filtered into the room with the setting sun. Nothing had been spared Rodney’s wrath. John’s heart raced, fear for Rodney paramount after seeing the destruction. His eyes darted around the room never settling until he found what he was seeking. There, in the corner, only the top of his head visible behind the overturned bed, sat Rodney. His back to the room, he seemed unaware of John’s presence.
Even in the pale light, John could see Rodney’s shoulders shaking, but oddly there was no sound. He called out quietly, his voice tender, “Rodney?”
Stepping closer, the sound of crunching glass alarmingly loud in the eerily quiet room, made John stop. Rodney heard too. Even from where he stood behind him, John could see the man raise his arm and with his sleeve, wipe his face. A raw and shattered voice followed, “Go away.”
“I can’t. Not this time,” said John with a wavering voice, his own eyes glistening. Stepping through the debris and around the bed, he caught a better glimpse of Rodney. He stopped in his tracks as Rodney sniffled and wiped away tears that continued to fall.
Rodney sat on the floor, his shirt blotted with sweat, his hair was damp with it. His face was red, his eyes puffy and raw looking. Splinted fingers were dappled with blood, the tape and wrapping hanging haphazardly. John could see Rodney’s chest rising and falling in heavy breaths as he continued to check for injury, ending in Rodney’s wounded bare feet, no doubt from the glass that lay scattered everywhere.
Nothing seemed life threatening and John buried the need to fix it immediately. It could wait. He stood watching Rodney compose himself, waiting for permission to stay. It never came but he wasn’t asked to leave either, so that was something or so he thought.
Rodney seemed embarrassed by his tears and dropped his head, “Please…leave.”
“I’m not leaving until I know what’s going on inside that genius brain of yours, Rodney.”
“Doom, despair, destruction,” sighed Rodney sullenly, his tears dissipating.
“I see the destruction and…despair.” John wasn’t sure if it hurt more seeing it written on Rodney’s face or admitting to it. He added quietly, hoping to keep the conversation going, “I don’t see the doom.”
“You’re the doom,” said Rodney quietly.
“Ah,” grimaced John, not sure that was what he wanted to hear, but the change from despair to more Rodney was encouraging. He stepped closer and eased himself to the floor, leaving a good foot between them. Rodney eyed him suspiciously but didn’t move away. John let go the breath he was holding and gave McKay a sideways glance.
“You’re bleeding,” said John, something to break the heavy silence.
Rodney slowly lifted his hands and glanced at his feet as if noticing the blood for the first time. He spoke quietly, barely a whisper, “They don’t… hurt.”
Surprised that he’d gotten a response, John kept it light, letting Rodney set the tone. “Adrenalin. It’ll pass.”
“Why do you care?” Rodney asked, his head down as he sniffled again.
Resisting the urge to reach out and touch, John took a deep breath and spoke from his heart, hoping to get through Rodney’s melancholy. “I care, Rodney. Maybe too much…”
“You have an odd way of showing it.” There was no recrimination just fact, as if Rodney had lost all the will to fight.
“I know I handled everything badly. I’m not real proud of that, believe me. I got so pissed after Doranda and I took it out on you.” He turned to Rodney, wishing he would look at him, but Rodney kept his head down. John didn’t miss the nervous twitch in Rodney’s fingers. “When you apologized…mentioned the trust thing, I grabbed for it. It gave me an excuse to avoid you. I was scared, Rodney. I was scared of what I was feeling and how much control it had over me. How much control you had over me. It was never about trust. God, Rodney I trust you with my life.”
Rodney’s breath hitched as he stammered, “I trusted you, you know…on Doranda. I needed you there. I trusted you to stop me… and you did. Though, in all honesty, I didn’t think it would be necessary.” His voice dropped and John could hear the anguish as he continued, “I didn’t mean to blow up a solar system. I didn’t think it would end that way. I didn’t think I’d lose so much.” Rodney blinked rapidly willing back tears and John closed his eyes tightly as his own tears threatened. The hurt in Rodney’s voice was killing him.
Even afraid to know, John found himself asking, “What did you lose?”
“I lost everything. I lost my friends, their respect. I lost your trust in me.” Rodney paused, taking a deep breath to keep from sobbing, “I lost you.”
John twisted, getting up on his knees so he could face Rodney, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for pushing you away and making you think you had to earn my trust back. For making you think I didn’t care.” John’s voice cracked, “If I hadn’t, you never would have done what you did on the planet. If I could take it all back I would.” John slumped back on his haunches and muttered as he dropped his head, “Make it all go away.”
“It wasn’t just you,” said Rodney, his head lolling back on the bed as he closed his eyes. John lifted his head and watched a lone tear leak out and trace Rodney’s cheek. His hands gripped tightly to his pants to keep from reaching out and brushing it away.
Thinking of those still waiting outside, John spoke, “You have friends, Rodney. Right now they’re outside your door waiting to make sure you’re okay.”
“Humph.”
“I know we all handled Doranda badly, treated you like shit. We all know that and it took almost losing you for us to realize that. Friends don’t always do the right thing, but that doesn’t make them any less a friend, not when it’s all said and done. You’re my best friend and Radek’s and Carson’s. Three people, Rodney. Three people that look at you as their best friend.”
As if on cue, a knock came at the door, startling both men. John’s expression turned to frustration at the interruption and Rodney just paled. Seeing it, John said softly, “Rodney?”
Rodney stared at him, eyes wide and on the verge of panic as he pleaded, actually reaching out to tug at John’s sleeve, “Don’t let them in. Please.”
The knock came again and Rodney was clearly on edge. John tried to reassure him. “They’re just concerned. I’ll just tell them you’re alright and send them away, okay?”
Nodding quickly, Rodney hunkered down behind the bed, trying to get out of sight. John might have laughed if it hadn’t been such a desperate need for privacy on Rodney’s part. Starting towards the door, John stopped and asked tentatively, “Is it okay if I stay, so we can talk more?”
A slow nod later, John released the breath he was holding. He and Rodney had made some progress but they still hadn’t made any real mention of the rape. They still had a ways to go and John wasn’t willing to give up the chance to fix things if there was one. Hurrying to the door, he used his body to block the entrance as he thought open.
Chapter 11
Radek, Carson, Elizabeth and Kate were all standing on the other side of the door with anxious faces. As soon as the door opened they tried to come in but John held them back, stepping into the hallway as they peered over his shoulder. He was grateful Teyla and Ronon had gone to the mainland. It meant two fewer people.
“How is doing?”
“Is he hurt?”
“Can we speak to him?”
John looked nervously over his shoulder and lowered his voice, “He’s okay. He just needs some time.”
“I’d like to speak with him, Colonel?” said Heightmeyer.
“He doesn’t want to see anybody right now and he’s talking to me so that’s something,” said John, thankful when Kate answered with a nod.
Carson asked again, “Is he hurt?”
“His hands and feet are cut up some. It didn’t look too bad, but I didn’t want to crowd him.”
Carson sidestepped around the Colonel, “I need to see him.”
Stopping him, John shook his head then reconsidered, “Let me ask him first. I don’t want to spook him.”
“Aye,” nodded Carson.
John returned a few minutes later, smiling inwardly at the three who stood outside the door, peering into the darkness as they tried to satisfy their curiosities and concerns. He looked at Carson. “You can treat him, but he won’t leave and he won’t let you stay when you’re done.” John shrugged, “It’s the best I could do.”
“It’ll do,” Carson said, motioning to the room for John to lead the way.
As they turned to enter the room, Elizabeth spoke up, almost nervously, “Give him our regards.”
Nodding, John and Carson disappeared into the room, the door closing behind them. They moved slowly, John leading Carson through the wreckage. Carson muttered a few curses at the destruction, but seeing Rodney he ignored everything but his patient. He looked up at Sheppard as he knelt down next to Rodney, “Can you get me the first aid kit? There should be one in the bathroom.” John agreed and Carson went back to tending Rodney, speaking in a soft, soothing tone, “So how are you doing, Rodney?”
“I’m bleeding, Carson. How do you think I’m doing?” Rodney certainly hadn’t lost his edge. It was comforting to hear.
Carson retorted in kind, “Tsk. I’m thinking you’re a bloody fool for running around in here without shoes.”
Rodney tilted his head and rolled his eyes, “Yes of course, I’ll try to remember that prior to my next breakdown.”
John returned and Carson took the kit. “Let’s get him on the bed first. The floor isn’t the best place for this.” None of them could argue that with all the glass scattered about and John set about righting the mattress. The bed was a lost cause, but he flipped the mattress, brushed away the glass and set it on the floor. Rodney lifted himself the eight inches and eased onto it, the pain finally setting in if his grimace was any indication.
Moving cautiously, Carson picked up Rodney’s foot, having to grip it tighter as the scientist tried to pull away. Rodney hissed through gritted teeth, “Fuck that hurts.”
“Yes well, glass in the foot tends to do that,” quipped Carson,
“How about playing Doctor and get it out then,” snapped Rodney, doing his best to ignore the pain. John sat close, but maintained a distance between himself and Rodney. It surprised him when Rodney reached out and gripped his arm tightly as Carson removed the small shards of glass from his feet.
“Can’t you give him something for the pain?” John dared to shift closer, offering what comfort he could and Rodney leaned into his shoulder.
“Not unless you want me to go to the infirmary to get it.”
Lips pursed in pain, Rodney shook his head, “Just get it over with.” He was sweating and shaking anew and John felt the hand on his arm tighten.
Carson worked swiftly but efficiently as he checked Rodney’s feet for glass, cleaned them up and wrapped them. The damage was minor, but he wouldn’t feel like walking for a few days at least. With a light pat on Rodney’s leg Carson got his attention. “That’s it for your feet then.”
Rodney nodded and took a couple of deep breathes, wincing at the tug on his aching ribs as he slumped further into John. Carson noticed, but kept silent about it, glad to see Rodney accepting the comfort being offered. “I’ll need to look at your hands, Rodney.” It wasn’t so much a comment as it was asking for permission.
Holding out the hand that wasn’t gripping John’s arm, Rodney let Carson clean it up and retape the splint back to its proper position. When it came time to do the second hand, Rodney reluctantly released his hold on John. Hating the loss of contact, John placed his hand on Rodney’s shoulder and gave it a light squeeze. Rodney was trembling by the time Carson finished, “Is there anything it that kit that resembles pain killer?”
“Aye, let me get some water and you can have a couple Tylenol.” Carson got up and retrieved a glass of water from the bathroom. When he returned, Rodney was pulling away from John, his eyes glued to something on the floor. John tried to pull him back but Rodney jerked from his grasp, instead reaching for the medicine bag he’d spotted on the floor. His face paled as he picked it up, his eyes widening.
Alarmed by the sudden change in behavior, John motioned for Carson to go. Setting the glass down, Carson tiptoed around the bed and left the two men to sort through things. John appeared to have made some progress with Rodney and that was more than any of them had done so far. By the time Carson left, Rodney was sweating profusely and shaking from head to toe, his eyes glassy and distant. John eased closer, reaching out, “Rodney?”
Jerking away, Rodney snarled, “Don’t.” He fidgeted with the bag in his hands, the splints getting in the way of his nervous habit. John watched as Rodney seemed to crumble before him. Rodney pulled up his knees, and wrapped his arms around them, making himself smaller as he rocked back and forth, mumbling incoherently.
Shifting on the mattress, John hesitated, torn between his need to touch Rodney and the need to keep his distance for fear of making things worse for the scientist. His voice was a mere whisper, his anguish unmistakable, “Let me help.”
“Leave me alone,” pleaded Rodney. He continued to rock, caught between where he was and where he’d been. Rodney shivered, rubbing his arms to rid them of the phantom touch that assaulted him.
John sat helpless, begging to do something, “I’m not gonna hurt you, Rodney. Please, I want to help you with this.”
Rodney shook his head frantically and John shifted, moving so he was kneeling beside him on the bed. Hesitating, John reached out and laid his hand lightly on Rodney’s back, trying to soothe him with gentle circles. The muscle beneath his hand rippled almost repulsively as Rodney lurched away from the touch, screaming, “You can’t help. It’s too late.”
John’s gut churned at the fervor behind Rodney’s words. He was losing Rodney and felt helpless to stop it. “Please, Rodney don’t do this. I want to be here for you. Help you with this.” He was rambling, but he was desperate to get through to Rodney. He didn’t realize his own cheeks were wet as he pleaded. “Please trust me to help.”
Gasping for air, his chest heaving, Rodney was getting more wound up with each breath, his anger roiling off him. In the next instant, Rodney slammed his hand into John’s chest, pushing him away. “I CAN’T! I let that son of a bitch rape me… because I would have done whatever it took… to save you, even after you… pushed me away… I still did it.” Tears rolled down his cheeks unbidden as he screamed the hurt he was feeling, “I trusted you with my fucking heart and you made me work for yours and it still never mattered. You never came to see me in the infirmary. You left me alone! How can I trust you after that?”
Lying on the floor, holding his injured shoulder that Rodney’s hit had aggravated, John’s own hurt and anger, combined with the intense pain, exploded. He sat up, his face red as he shouted back angrily, “Don’t you get it? That’s what scares me so damn much! I would do anything for you. ANYTHING!” His own breathing was harsh and he tried to calm down, but his words still came out loud and forceful, the emotion honest. “If our positions had been reversed I would have done the same thing you did. I would have let him rape me for the same reason you did.”
That got Rodney’s attention and the two men stared at each other, their breathing loud in the still room. John closed his eyes and took a deep breath before opening them, his expression softer as he spoke, “When you asked me to help you on Doranda, I didn’t have a choice…because you asked me too let you do it and that scared me to death. I’ve never trusted anyone like I do you but it had nothing to do with why I let you do it. I did it because you asked me to. Because I love you, damn it.” The confession left him breathless and John waited…waited for Rodney to say something, anything.
All of Rodney’s emotions were right there for him too see. The hurt, the shock, the dawning realization and finally the truth he’d been hiding. He watched as Rodney pulled in a big breath and was seized by a great gasping sob. All of John’s resolve not to touch vanished. Rodney’s shoulders shook and John wrapped himself around him, tentative at first and when Rodney didn’t pull away, he held him tighter.
It seemed to open the floodgates and Rodney cried as he relived the terror on Kormak between sobs. All John could do was hold him, let him vent it, his own tears mingling with Rodney’s as he listened to all the man had endured at the hands of the natives. It wasn’t pretty and it wasn’t pleasant, but just telling someone else allowed Rodney to share the burden. The tears eventually stopped and Rodney’s breathing began to ease as the weight of his demons was lifted. John held on, unwilling to release what he’d now claimed as his own. No matter what Rodney said or did, it wouldn’t change how John felt about him. He needed Rodney to know that.
Helping Rodney lie down, John didn’t join him. Instead he sat beside him, rubbing his back in long soothing strokes. John’s voice was raw but soft as he spoke, “I’m really sorry about getting into your files. I shouldn’t have done it.”
Rodney was exhausted and it showed in his voice, “Don’t be. I would have done the same thing.” The conversation was easier now, all the tension of the last month gone with the anger and tears. “I know you didn’t do it yourself, so Radek must have helped.”
“How did you know?” John shifted on the bed, leaning back into the wall for support.
Chuckling, Rodney smiled, “He’s a devious little fucker that lives for subterfuge.”
“You’re not mad at him…” John paused then added, “or the rest of it?”
Rodney hesitated then curled up, his back pressed against John’s legs. “No, not any more. I’m tired of being angry…tired of being alone. I just want to move forward, forget it all happened.”
“All of it?” uttered John, a mere whisper as his heart skipped beat, waiting for Rodney to answer.
“Did you mean what you said about loving me?” asked Rodney, equally soft.
“Yeah I meant it.”
“Then no, not all of it,” said Rodney, drifting into sleep.
Epilogue
It had been two months since that night and while healing happened slowly, it was not an easy time for either man. Apologies were made by everyone and Rodney was slowly coming around to his normal irascible self, accepting that mistakes had been made and sometimes it took an extreme situation to bring friends closer. The trust between them had been damaged but not broken.
There were moments of awkwardness between John and Rodney and more than once Rodney did a slow freak out if someone got too close, even John sometimes. John made sure he always had Rodney’s permission to come close even if it was an unspoken one.
Entering the balcony, John found Rodney leaning against the rail watching the sun set. He stood in the door way and called out softly, “Rodney.”
Rodney turned, a smile gracing his face, “Care to join me?”
“I might be convinced.” John sauntered forward and slipped behind Rodney, enveloping him with his lean frame. He tried to pull away when Rodney flinched, but was held in place by a firm grip on his forearm where it wrapped Rodney’s chest.
“Sorry,” said Rodney, hanging his head at the automatic response to being touched. Sometimes it happened, sometimes it didn’t. He had little control over the reaction.
John sighed, “Don’t be sorry. I know it’s gonna take time. I know I have to earn your trust back.”
Rodney stilled for a moment then teased, taking all the sting out of his words, “I’m sure you can do it if you really want to.” He added more seriously, “It’s not about trust, not really, not any more.” Leaning into John’s embrace, he stammered, “I like this, I just don’t know… I… I… after what happened I don’t know if I’ll be able to…” His hand twirled to emphasize his thoughts, “…you know.”
“Sex isn’t everything, Rodney,” said John, trying to reassure him.
“It’s not?” joked Rodney, trying to lighten his embarrassment.
John leaned over his shoulder, his voice sincere, “Not in this case, no. Whatever you want is fine with me.”
“Don’t do the sappiness, it makes me nauseous,” said Rodney, even though he melted further into John’s arms.
“Hmmm. I’ll keep that in mind,” quipped John. His tone changed to one of concern as he asked, “Anything else?”
“I just want you to know it’s not you I’m afraid of. Sometimes…sometimes I can’t shake the feeling that it’s him touching me.” Rodney hesitated, unsure what he wanted. “I’m not saying never, just that I need to go slow.”
“We can go as slow as you need to or not at all. Whatever you’re comfortable with. I really don’t want to get sappy on you, but it’s not about the sex, Rodney. I enjoy just being with you.” said John, his lips lightly grazing Rodney’s neck. The man shivered pleasantly and John was encouraged, knowing how difficult it was for Rodney to accept his affections. He stopped his playing and held Rodney close as they watched the sun go down.
THE END
Author:
chaps1870Pairing: McShep
Rating: R for violence
Summary: Rodney tries to regain the trust he's lost only it doesn't work out like he plans
Disclaimer: Not mine, too bad.
A/N I want to say thanks to all the great responses this story has recieved. Because I barely made the promised today's post deadline, I went ahead and finished it up so you get the whole shebang rather than wait another day for it. A big thank you to my beta...we're even now!
Chapter 10
He tried to keep busy. Tried to give Rodney the space he needed, but John still found himself wandering the corridor outside McKay’s room at odd hours. It had only been a two days and Rodney still hid out, only letting Teyla or Ronon in and only because they insisted he eat.
It was late when John got the call. One of his men passing by McKay’s room heard a racket and when it didn’t stop, he’d called Colonel Sheppard. Now John was running full tilt through Atlantis, his heart pounding and not from exercise. He passed Carson and then Heightmeyer on the way. Rounding the corner near Rodney’s quarters, he saw Zelenka and a couple of his own men staring nervously at the door.
Skidding to a halt he asked, “What’s going on?” John flinched away from the door when a loud crash came from inside Rodney’s room.
Radek nodded toward the door, “That is what is happening.”
Without hesitating, John thought ‘open’. When the door didn’t respond he backed away and snapped at Radek, “Open it.”
“I will need some tools,” said the scientist, hesitant to leave.
Another something hit the door and Sheppard growled at Radek, “Go!”
“Yes, yes I am going.” Radek hurried away.
John turned to his men, “You can go.” They didn’t need to witness Rodney’s meltdown.
“Yes, sir.” Neither man argued, grateful to get away from their commanding officer.
Facing the door, John grabbed the door frame and pressed his forehead into the door, “Open the door, Rodney.” Something loud hit the inside of the door, making John jump and he cursed loudly, “Damn it, McKay, open the fucking door or I swear to God I’ll break it down.”
Another crash came from within and John reached up to pound on the door. Kate Heightmeyer’s voice came from behind him, ‘Colonel.”
He ignored her and continued pounding on the door, yelling at Rodney to open the door.
“COLONEL SHEPPARD!”
John turned on her sharply and barked, “WHAT?!” Seeing her flinch at his brusque tone, he felt badly and sighed, “I’m sorry. What do you want?”
Squaring her shoulders in an effort to regain some confidence she spoke, “I think you should wait before you try barging in on Rodney.”
Staring as if she’d grown two heads, he questioned, “In case you didn’t notice he’s tearing up his room.”
“I know what he’s doing, Colonel and I think he needs this,” said Heightmeyer.
John was thinking she was absolutely nuts and was about to say so, when Carson cut him off with an explanation, “Rodney has been in denial. This is the first real reaction he’s had to the whole situation. I know it’s not ideal and frankly I’m worried he’s going to hurt himself but Kate and I both see this as therapeutic. At least he isn’t denying it and after he’s done being angry maybe we can help him.”
“So we just sit out here and wait until he runs down or hurts himself?” asked John, hiding the anxiety he was feeling at the thought of Rodney alone inside his room.
Kate spoke up, “I know it’s difficult.”
Difficult didn’t begin to describe what John was feeling. Crossing his arms, he leaned against the door, getting as close as he could without appearing too obvious. If he’d been alone, he’d have his ear to the door, desperate for any sounds that came from within. He closed his eyes, shutting down the sense of sight to concentrate on hearing. It didn’t help and when Elizabeth arrived, he was forced to open his eyes. A quick update later and they were all listening intently for Rodney to stop his tirade, which didn’t show any sign of letting up.
Radek reappeared, out of breath. He started right in on the door, only to be stopped by Sheppard’s hand on his arm. “Wait.”
Confused, Radek stopped, “Huh?”
Elizabeth explained, “Dr. Heightmeyer thinks it better if we let Rodney get this out of his system.”
Unconvinced, Radek looked at Sheppard for confirmation, who nodded briefly. There was no mistaking the conflict in the Colonel’s eyes that only Radek noticed before the mask fell back into place. He addressed the scientist, “Do what you have to do to fix it. I want it open as soon as we have a go.”
Nodding, Radek set to work. As the others settled to wait, Sheppard sidled up to Radek and leaned close, his voice for the scientist alone, “I’m going in alone. Can you keep them out ‘til I’ve had a chance to talk to him?”
Radek looked at John and gave him a barely discernable nod, then whispered back pointedly, “You have strong gene, Colonel. I’m sure if you lock the door, it will prove difficult to get in…with my help.”
Going back to the door, John resisted the urge to pound on it. Instead he turned his back and slid to the floor, listening for silence. Silence would mean that Rodney was finished and John could go in, do damage control. He winced when the door at his back reverberated from the impact of something from within. Rodney was obviously well and truly pissed. The others settled along the wall opposite, no one really sure what to say so they that sat in an uncomfortable silence…waiting.
Glancing at his watch, John was shocked to discover it had only been fifteen minutes since his arrival. Leaning his head back, he closed his eyes. Time passed with the occasional sound behind him. Opening his eyes, he looked at his watch…seventeen minutes. At nineteen minutes no more sounds came from within Rodney’s room and John jumped to his feet, ready to go in. He ordered Zelenka, “Open it.”
Radek turned to comply when Carson jerked to his feet, “Wait.” Stopping, Radek looked at Sheppard for direction.
John glared at Beckett, his hand clenched in a fist at his side. “I’m going in there.”
“I’m not saying you can’t, Colonel, but I think we should give him a little more time.” Carson paused and Kate supplied a reason, “He’s right. Rodney may need a few minutes after all that anger.”
Joining them was Elizabeth’s final plea for John to wait. “Please John, I know this is hard.,,”
Cutting her off, John snapped, “No! Hard is sitting here knowing he’s having a meltdown in there and we are out here discussing it like it’s some temper tantrum.” His arm gestured to the door, “He’s in there alone because he thinks he doesn’t have any friends he can go to. Well, no more!” John stormed to the door, shot a look at Radek and growled, “Open it.”
Radek didn’t hesitate and fiddled with the panel. John gave him a final look as he stepped inside and the door hissed shut behind him. He could hear a muted argument but tuned it out assured that Radek would come through, allowing him this time with Rodney.
The room was bathed in heavy shadows and it took a few seconds for John’s eyes to adjust. The room was completely and thoroughly trashed. Glass, furniture, books and unidentifiable rubble littered the floor. Dust settled, outlined in the light that filtered into the room with the setting sun. Nothing had been spared Rodney’s wrath. John’s heart raced, fear for Rodney paramount after seeing the destruction. His eyes darted around the room never settling until he found what he was seeking. There, in the corner, only the top of his head visible behind the overturned bed, sat Rodney. His back to the room, he seemed unaware of John’s presence.
Even in the pale light, John could see Rodney’s shoulders shaking, but oddly there was no sound. He called out quietly, his voice tender, “Rodney?”
Stepping closer, the sound of crunching glass alarmingly loud in the eerily quiet room, made John stop. Rodney heard too. Even from where he stood behind him, John could see the man raise his arm and with his sleeve, wipe his face. A raw and shattered voice followed, “Go away.”
“I can’t. Not this time,” said John with a wavering voice, his own eyes glistening. Stepping through the debris and around the bed, he caught a better glimpse of Rodney. He stopped in his tracks as Rodney sniffled and wiped away tears that continued to fall.
Rodney sat on the floor, his shirt blotted with sweat, his hair was damp with it. His face was red, his eyes puffy and raw looking. Splinted fingers were dappled with blood, the tape and wrapping hanging haphazardly. John could see Rodney’s chest rising and falling in heavy breaths as he continued to check for injury, ending in Rodney’s wounded bare feet, no doubt from the glass that lay scattered everywhere.
Nothing seemed life threatening and John buried the need to fix it immediately. It could wait. He stood watching Rodney compose himself, waiting for permission to stay. It never came but he wasn’t asked to leave either, so that was something or so he thought.
Rodney seemed embarrassed by his tears and dropped his head, “Please…leave.”
“I’m not leaving until I know what’s going on inside that genius brain of yours, Rodney.”
“Doom, despair, destruction,” sighed Rodney sullenly, his tears dissipating.
“I see the destruction and…despair.” John wasn’t sure if it hurt more seeing it written on Rodney’s face or admitting to it. He added quietly, hoping to keep the conversation going, “I don’t see the doom.”
“You’re the doom,” said Rodney quietly.
“Ah,” grimaced John, not sure that was what he wanted to hear, but the change from despair to more Rodney was encouraging. He stepped closer and eased himself to the floor, leaving a good foot between them. Rodney eyed him suspiciously but didn’t move away. John let go the breath he was holding and gave McKay a sideways glance.
“You’re bleeding,” said John, something to break the heavy silence.
Rodney slowly lifted his hands and glanced at his feet as if noticing the blood for the first time. He spoke quietly, barely a whisper, “They don’t… hurt.”
Surprised that he’d gotten a response, John kept it light, letting Rodney set the tone. “Adrenalin. It’ll pass.”
“Why do you care?” Rodney asked, his head down as he sniffled again.
Resisting the urge to reach out and touch, John took a deep breath and spoke from his heart, hoping to get through Rodney’s melancholy. “I care, Rodney. Maybe too much…”
“You have an odd way of showing it.” There was no recrimination just fact, as if Rodney had lost all the will to fight.
“I know I handled everything badly. I’m not real proud of that, believe me. I got so pissed after Doranda and I took it out on you.” He turned to Rodney, wishing he would look at him, but Rodney kept his head down. John didn’t miss the nervous twitch in Rodney’s fingers. “When you apologized…mentioned the trust thing, I grabbed for it. It gave me an excuse to avoid you. I was scared, Rodney. I was scared of what I was feeling and how much control it had over me. How much control you had over me. It was never about trust. God, Rodney I trust you with my life.”
Rodney’s breath hitched as he stammered, “I trusted you, you know…on Doranda. I needed you there. I trusted you to stop me… and you did. Though, in all honesty, I didn’t think it would be necessary.” His voice dropped and John could hear the anguish as he continued, “I didn’t mean to blow up a solar system. I didn’t think it would end that way. I didn’t think I’d lose so much.” Rodney blinked rapidly willing back tears and John closed his eyes tightly as his own tears threatened. The hurt in Rodney’s voice was killing him.
Even afraid to know, John found himself asking, “What did you lose?”
“I lost everything. I lost my friends, their respect. I lost your trust in me.” Rodney paused, taking a deep breath to keep from sobbing, “I lost you.”
John twisted, getting up on his knees so he could face Rodney, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for pushing you away and making you think you had to earn my trust back. For making you think I didn’t care.” John’s voice cracked, “If I hadn’t, you never would have done what you did on the planet. If I could take it all back I would.” John slumped back on his haunches and muttered as he dropped his head, “Make it all go away.”
“It wasn’t just you,” said Rodney, his head lolling back on the bed as he closed his eyes. John lifted his head and watched a lone tear leak out and trace Rodney’s cheek. His hands gripped tightly to his pants to keep from reaching out and brushing it away.
Thinking of those still waiting outside, John spoke, “You have friends, Rodney. Right now they’re outside your door waiting to make sure you’re okay.”
“Humph.”
“I know we all handled Doranda badly, treated you like shit. We all know that and it took almost losing you for us to realize that. Friends don’t always do the right thing, but that doesn’t make them any less a friend, not when it’s all said and done. You’re my best friend and Radek’s and Carson’s. Three people, Rodney. Three people that look at you as their best friend.”
As if on cue, a knock came at the door, startling both men. John’s expression turned to frustration at the interruption and Rodney just paled. Seeing it, John said softly, “Rodney?”
Rodney stared at him, eyes wide and on the verge of panic as he pleaded, actually reaching out to tug at John’s sleeve, “Don’t let them in. Please.”
The knock came again and Rodney was clearly on edge. John tried to reassure him. “They’re just concerned. I’ll just tell them you’re alright and send them away, okay?”
Nodding quickly, Rodney hunkered down behind the bed, trying to get out of sight. John might have laughed if it hadn’t been such a desperate need for privacy on Rodney’s part. Starting towards the door, John stopped and asked tentatively, “Is it okay if I stay, so we can talk more?”
A slow nod later, John released the breath he was holding. He and Rodney had made some progress but they still hadn’t made any real mention of the rape. They still had a ways to go and John wasn’t willing to give up the chance to fix things if there was one. Hurrying to the door, he used his body to block the entrance as he thought open.
Chapter 11
Radek, Carson, Elizabeth and Kate were all standing on the other side of the door with anxious faces. As soon as the door opened they tried to come in but John held them back, stepping into the hallway as they peered over his shoulder. He was grateful Teyla and Ronon had gone to the mainland. It meant two fewer people.
“How is doing?”
“Is he hurt?”
“Can we speak to him?”
John looked nervously over his shoulder and lowered his voice, “He’s okay. He just needs some time.”
“I’d like to speak with him, Colonel?” said Heightmeyer.
“He doesn’t want to see anybody right now and he’s talking to me so that’s something,” said John, thankful when Kate answered with a nod.
Carson asked again, “Is he hurt?”
“His hands and feet are cut up some. It didn’t look too bad, but I didn’t want to crowd him.”
Carson sidestepped around the Colonel, “I need to see him.”
Stopping him, John shook his head then reconsidered, “Let me ask him first. I don’t want to spook him.”
“Aye,” nodded Carson.
John returned a few minutes later, smiling inwardly at the three who stood outside the door, peering into the darkness as they tried to satisfy their curiosities and concerns. He looked at Carson. “You can treat him, but he won’t leave and he won’t let you stay when you’re done.” John shrugged, “It’s the best I could do.”
“It’ll do,” Carson said, motioning to the room for John to lead the way.
As they turned to enter the room, Elizabeth spoke up, almost nervously, “Give him our regards.”
Nodding, John and Carson disappeared into the room, the door closing behind them. They moved slowly, John leading Carson through the wreckage. Carson muttered a few curses at the destruction, but seeing Rodney he ignored everything but his patient. He looked up at Sheppard as he knelt down next to Rodney, “Can you get me the first aid kit? There should be one in the bathroom.” John agreed and Carson went back to tending Rodney, speaking in a soft, soothing tone, “So how are you doing, Rodney?”
“I’m bleeding, Carson. How do you think I’m doing?” Rodney certainly hadn’t lost his edge. It was comforting to hear.
Carson retorted in kind, “Tsk. I’m thinking you’re a bloody fool for running around in here without shoes.”
Rodney tilted his head and rolled his eyes, “Yes of course, I’ll try to remember that prior to my next breakdown.”
John returned and Carson took the kit. “Let’s get him on the bed first. The floor isn’t the best place for this.” None of them could argue that with all the glass scattered about and John set about righting the mattress. The bed was a lost cause, but he flipped the mattress, brushed away the glass and set it on the floor. Rodney lifted himself the eight inches and eased onto it, the pain finally setting in if his grimace was any indication.
Moving cautiously, Carson picked up Rodney’s foot, having to grip it tighter as the scientist tried to pull away. Rodney hissed through gritted teeth, “Fuck that hurts.”
“Yes well, glass in the foot tends to do that,” quipped Carson,
“How about playing Doctor and get it out then,” snapped Rodney, doing his best to ignore the pain. John sat close, but maintained a distance between himself and Rodney. It surprised him when Rodney reached out and gripped his arm tightly as Carson removed the small shards of glass from his feet.
“Can’t you give him something for the pain?” John dared to shift closer, offering what comfort he could and Rodney leaned into his shoulder.
“Not unless you want me to go to the infirmary to get it.”
Lips pursed in pain, Rodney shook his head, “Just get it over with.” He was sweating and shaking anew and John felt the hand on his arm tighten.
Carson worked swiftly but efficiently as he checked Rodney’s feet for glass, cleaned them up and wrapped them. The damage was minor, but he wouldn’t feel like walking for a few days at least. With a light pat on Rodney’s leg Carson got his attention. “That’s it for your feet then.”
Rodney nodded and took a couple of deep breathes, wincing at the tug on his aching ribs as he slumped further into John. Carson noticed, but kept silent about it, glad to see Rodney accepting the comfort being offered. “I’ll need to look at your hands, Rodney.” It wasn’t so much a comment as it was asking for permission.
Holding out the hand that wasn’t gripping John’s arm, Rodney let Carson clean it up and retape the splint back to its proper position. When it came time to do the second hand, Rodney reluctantly released his hold on John. Hating the loss of contact, John placed his hand on Rodney’s shoulder and gave it a light squeeze. Rodney was trembling by the time Carson finished, “Is there anything it that kit that resembles pain killer?”
“Aye, let me get some water and you can have a couple Tylenol.” Carson got up and retrieved a glass of water from the bathroom. When he returned, Rodney was pulling away from John, his eyes glued to something on the floor. John tried to pull him back but Rodney jerked from his grasp, instead reaching for the medicine bag he’d spotted on the floor. His face paled as he picked it up, his eyes widening.
Alarmed by the sudden change in behavior, John motioned for Carson to go. Setting the glass down, Carson tiptoed around the bed and left the two men to sort through things. John appeared to have made some progress with Rodney and that was more than any of them had done so far. By the time Carson left, Rodney was sweating profusely and shaking from head to toe, his eyes glassy and distant. John eased closer, reaching out, “Rodney?”
Jerking away, Rodney snarled, “Don’t.” He fidgeted with the bag in his hands, the splints getting in the way of his nervous habit. John watched as Rodney seemed to crumble before him. Rodney pulled up his knees, and wrapped his arms around them, making himself smaller as he rocked back and forth, mumbling incoherently.
Shifting on the mattress, John hesitated, torn between his need to touch Rodney and the need to keep his distance for fear of making things worse for the scientist. His voice was a mere whisper, his anguish unmistakable, “Let me help.”
“Leave me alone,” pleaded Rodney. He continued to rock, caught between where he was and where he’d been. Rodney shivered, rubbing his arms to rid them of the phantom touch that assaulted him.
John sat helpless, begging to do something, “I’m not gonna hurt you, Rodney. Please, I want to help you with this.”
Rodney shook his head frantically and John shifted, moving so he was kneeling beside him on the bed. Hesitating, John reached out and laid his hand lightly on Rodney’s back, trying to soothe him with gentle circles. The muscle beneath his hand rippled almost repulsively as Rodney lurched away from the touch, screaming, “You can’t help. It’s too late.”
John’s gut churned at the fervor behind Rodney’s words. He was losing Rodney and felt helpless to stop it. “Please, Rodney don’t do this. I want to be here for you. Help you with this.” He was rambling, but he was desperate to get through to Rodney. He didn’t realize his own cheeks were wet as he pleaded. “Please trust me to help.”
Gasping for air, his chest heaving, Rodney was getting more wound up with each breath, his anger roiling off him. In the next instant, Rodney slammed his hand into John’s chest, pushing him away. “I CAN’T! I let that son of a bitch rape me… because I would have done whatever it took… to save you, even after you… pushed me away… I still did it.” Tears rolled down his cheeks unbidden as he screamed the hurt he was feeling, “I trusted you with my fucking heart and you made me work for yours and it still never mattered. You never came to see me in the infirmary. You left me alone! How can I trust you after that?”
Lying on the floor, holding his injured shoulder that Rodney’s hit had aggravated, John’s own hurt and anger, combined with the intense pain, exploded. He sat up, his face red as he shouted back angrily, “Don’t you get it? That’s what scares me so damn much! I would do anything for you. ANYTHING!” His own breathing was harsh and he tried to calm down, but his words still came out loud and forceful, the emotion honest. “If our positions had been reversed I would have done the same thing you did. I would have let him rape me for the same reason you did.”
That got Rodney’s attention and the two men stared at each other, their breathing loud in the still room. John closed his eyes and took a deep breath before opening them, his expression softer as he spoke, “When you asked me to help you on Doranda, I didn’t have a choice…because you asked me too let you do it and that scared me to death. I’ve never trusted anyone like I do you but it had nothing to do with why I let you do it. I did it because you asked me to. Because I love you, damn it.” The confession left him breathless and John waited…waited for Rodney to say something, anything.
All of Rodney’s emotions were right there for him too see. The hurt, the shock, the dawning realization and finally the truth he’d been hiding. He watched as Rodney pulled in a big breath and was seized by a great gasping sob. All of John’s resolve not to touch vanished. Rodney’s shoulders shook and John wrapped himself around him, tentative at first and when Rodney didn’t pull away, he held him tighter.
It seemed to open the floodgates and Rodney cried as he relived the terror on Kormak between sobs. All John could do was hold him, let him vent it, his own tears mingling with Rodney’s as he listened to all the man had endured at the hands of the natives. It wasn’t pretty and it wasn’t pleasant, but just telling someone else allowed Rodney to share the burden. The tears eventually stopped and Rodney’s breathing began to ease as the weight of his demons was lifted. John held on, unwilling to release what he’d now claimed as his own. No matter what Rodney said or did, it wouldn’t change how John felt about him. He needed Rodney to know that.
Helping Rodney lie down, John didn’t join him. Instead he sat beside him, rubbing his back in long soothing strokes. John’s voice was raw but soft as he spoke, “I’m really sorry about getting into your files. I shouldn’t have done it.”
Rodney was exhausted and it showed in his voice, “Don’t be. I would have done the same thing.” The conversation was easier now, all the tension of the last month gone with the anger and tears. “I know you didn’t do it yourself, so Radek must have helped.”
“How did you know?” John shifted on the bed, leaning back into the wall for support.
Chuckling, Rodney smiled, “He’s a devious little fucker that lives for subterfuge.”
“You’re not mad at him…” John paused then added, “or the rest of it?”
Rodney hesitated then curled up, his back pressed against John’s legs. “No, not any more. I’m tired of being angry…tired of being alone. I just want to move forward, forget it all happened.”
“All of it?” uttered John, a mere whisper as his heart skipped beat, waiting for Rodney to answer.
“Did you mean what you said about loving me?” asked Rodney, equally soft.
“Yeah I meant it.”
“Then no, not all of it,” said Rodney, drifting into sleep.
Epilogue
It had been two months since that night and while healing happened slowly, it was not an easy time for either man. Apologies were made by everyone and Rodney was slowly coming around to his normal irascible self, accepting that mistakes had been made and sometimes it took an extreme situation to bring friends closer. The trust between them had been damaged but not broken.
There were moments of awkwardness between John and Rodney and more than once Rodney did a slow freak out if someone got too close, even John sometimes. John made sure he always had Rodney’s permission to come close even if it was an unspoken one.
Entering the balcony, John found Rodney leaning against the rail watching the sun set. He stood in the door way and called out softly, “Rodney.”
Rodney turned, a smile gracing his face, “Care to join me?”
“I might be convinced.” John sauntered forward and slipped behind Rodney, enveloping him with his lean frame. He tried to pull away when Rodney flinched, but was held in place by a firm grip on his forearm where it wrapped Rodney’s chest.
“Sorry,” said Rodney, hanging his head at the automatic response to being touched. Sometimes it happened, sometimes it didn’t. He had little control over the reaction.
John sighed, “Don’t be sorry. I know it’s gonna take time. I know I have to earn your trust back.”
Rodney stilled for a moment then teased, taking all the sting out of his words, “I’m sure you can do it if you really want to.” He added more seriously, “It’s not about trust, not really, not any more.” Leaning into John’s embrace, he stammered, “I like this, I just don’t know… I… I… after what happened I don’t know if I’ll be able to…” His hand twirled to emphasize his thoughts, “…you know.”
“Sex isn’t everything, Rodney,” said John, trying to reassure him.
“It’s not?” joked Rodney, trying to lighten his embarrassment.
John leaned over his shoulder, his voice sincere, “Not in this case, no. Whatever you want is fine with me.”
“Don’t do the sappiness, it makes me nauseous,” said Rodney, even though he melted further into John’s arms.
“Hmmm. I’ll keep that in mind,” quipped John. His tone changed to one of concern as he asked, “Anything else?”
“I just want you to know it’s not you I’m afraid of. Sometimes…sometimes I can’t shake the feeling that it’s him touching me.” Rodney hesitated, unsure what he wanted. “I’m not saying never, just that I need to go slow.”
“We can go as slow as you need to or not at all. Whatever you’re comfortable with. I really don’t want to get sappy on you, but it’s not about the sex, Rodney. I enjoy just being with you.” said John, his lips lightly grazing Rodney’s neck. The man shivered pleasantly and John was encouraged, knowing how difficult it was for Rodney to accept his affections. He stopped his playing and held Rodney close as they watched the sun go down.
THE END
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Looking forward to your next story. You give good whump! *g*
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