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Title:The Broken Road
Author: Chaps1870
Warnings: Slash
Pairings: Jarrod/Adam
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Two old friends discover they share more than just a simple friendship
Disclaimer: This story is for entertainment only and not intended to infringe on the holders of rights of The Big Valley or Bonanza.
Chapter 9
Jarrod gingerly made his way down the stairs, doing his best not to wince as stitches and scabs pulled against his skin or rubbed against his clothing. He’d stayed in his room, avoiding any confrontation with the family but he’d grown restless with the same routine day in and day out. None of them were comfortable around him and they began spending less and less time checking in on him. Isolating himself would resolve nothing and he ventured downstairs stopping near the bottom when Heath came in the front door. He stood still, using the time to catch his breath, suddenly wary when Heath’s eyes found him. His brother was normally very good at masking his feelings and Jarrod blanched at the open hostility in Heath’s face. Heath strode to the foyer table and dropping all but a single envelope, stormed towards where he stood on the stairs. Pausing for only a second at Jarrod’s side, he palmed the envelope and slapped it hard into Jarrod’s chest, forcing him backward onto the steps. Jarrod barely heard his brother growl on his way past, “Yer mail!”
Sitting on the stairs with his knees drawn up, Jarrod’s chest screamed in agony where Heath had smacked him. He clenched the banister tightly as sweat beaded on his brow and waited for the pain to drop to a manageable level. Heath’s malicious blow had been intentional, meant to hurt him. Wiping away the dampness on his face, Jarrod glanced down at his chest and could see his shirt begin to stain with blood. One of the deeper cuts lay right where Heath had struck him, and the force had popped at least one of the stitches. He watched as the stain grew in size, not really seeing it. All he felt was the pain of Heath’s animosity on his heart. Although Heath was only his half brother he never thought of him as any thing less than a real brother and having him lash out with such anger cut Jarrod to the core. Ever so slowly he got to his feet and trudged up the stairs to his room, forgetting all about the letter Heath had thrust into his hands.
Once in his room, he dropped the now bloody envelope to his nightstand, and eased himself down on the bed. With his good hand, he undid the buttons of his shirt to access the damage and found that two stitches had been torn free by Heath’s brutal slap. An inch of the wound gaped open and blood oozed freely down his chest. Removing his shirt, he held it to the cut and lay down, exhausted and hurting. Thinking he should call for some help, he wondered if he was even worth it and let himself drift off to sleep.
“Jarrod! Wake up! You’re bleeding.”
Groggy, Jarrod tried to sit up, but Nick held him down, “Whoa, stay put. Let me look at it.”
Batting his hand away, Jarrod tried to roll over, “It’s nothing.”
“Quit bein’ so stubborn. What did you do?”
Glaring at his brother, Jarrod snapped, “I didn’t do anything, Heath did!”
Nick frowned, “What the devil are you saying?” He lifted the bloody shirt and was relieved to see that the wound was no longer bleeding. “That needs to be stitched again. Why would Heath do this?”
“I don’t know, he slapped a letter into my chest on his way by.” Against Nick’s protests, Jarrod sat up and reached for the letter he put aside earlier.
“Maybe he didn’t mean to hurt you,” questioned Nick, unable to believe that Heath would purposely hurt Jarrod.
Jarrod held the letter in his hand and spoke in his own defense, “He hit me hard enough to knock me down, Nick.” Nick was suddenly forgotten as Jarrod turned the envelope over in his hand and saw the sender’s name. His heart raced, and his hand trembled as he stared down at Adam’s name, only to have it jerked out of his hand.
Nick’s face flooded with anger as he tore the envelope in half and threw the pieces to the floor, “You gotta stay away from him. If it weren’t for him, none of this would of happened.”
Shocked by Nick’s words, Jarrod watched the paper flutter to the floor, “Is that what you think? That this is all his fault.”
Very sure of himself, Nick spoke up, “I’ve known you all my life, Jarrod. You never woulda done something like that without somebody forcin’ ya to. What’d he have on ya? Something from when you were in college, was that it?”
Standing slowly, Jarrod reached down, picked up the two pieces of paper and put them in his pocket for safekeeping. Moving to the water basin, he cleaned the blood off his hands and chest, trying to compose himself against Nick’s barrage of questions. Jarrod quietly answered his brother, “Adam didn’t do anything I didn’t want him too. I’m as much to blame as he was.”
Nick shook his head adamantly, “No....no...I know you like women. You were married to Beth.”
“That was a way to hide the truth, even from myself. I was 32 when I married her. Kinda old to be getting married for the first time, don’t you think.
“So you never found someone you wanted to spend your life with, so what. It don’t mean nothin’. Lots of men wait that long.”
“I was never satisfied with who I was with, even Beth. Oh I loved her, but not in the way that I wanted to. By that time, I was ready to settle for what I thought was the best it could get.”
Nick was thunderstruck, “What are you gettin’ at?”
Jarrod sat down heavily in the chair and held a towel on his wound to keep it from bleeding again, “I’ve had a lot of time to think about all of it. Everything I did was a way to keep from admitting that I was an abomination, an evil seed, a black mark on this family.” Shaking his head in resignation, he sighed, “Thought I’d managed to keep it locked away...until Adam showed up.”
“NO!!!! There is no way you are ever gonna convince me that you...you...” Nick couldn’t even say the word without shaking in anger.
Raising his voice, Jarrod challenged, “What Nick? Say it...that I want Adam.”
Striding towards Jarrod, Nick looked him right in the eye and hollered, “NO! NO BROTHER OF MINE WOULD EVER BE LIKE THAT!!!!”
Jarrod met his gaze and tried to speak calmly, “That’s where you’re wrong, brother Nick.” Rising to his feet, Jarrod clamped onto Nick’s arm with his good hand, “I’m sorry, but I’m tired of denying it doesn’t exist. When Adam showed up here it brought back everything I forced myself to forget all those years ago. I was tired of hiding it, pretending I didn’t have feelings for him. One thing led to another. We never intended on getting caught. If you hadn’t come along, no one ever needed to know.”
Nick jerked out of Jarrod’s grasp as if he’d been burned and snarled, “Don’t touch me! I can’t believe you can stand there and act like there’s nothing wrong with what you’ve done.”
His temper flaring, Jarrod stood his ground, “I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help the way I feel.”
Not wanting to hear any more, Nick shoved Jarrod hard pushing him away, “SHUT UP! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT!”
Jarrod fell backward and landing hard, groaned loudly. In an instant Heath entered the mix and holding Nick back, glared down at Jarrod and hissed, “Get out Jarrod, before I finish what Nick started.”
Victoria appeared in the doorway and gasped at Heath’s demand, “HEATH!”
Nick turned, and brushing his hair out of the way, defended Heath, “I want him off this ranch. Either he goes or I go.”
“He’s your brother, you can’t just send him away,” declared Victoria. One look at Heath and she knew that he felt the same as Nick. It had come down to brother against brother and Jarrod was being forced to leave or risk staying at the family’s expense. Jarrod saw it too and got to his feet. Swaying a bit, his chest bleeding again, he grabbed a shirt and walked unsteadily to the door where his mother stood. “It’s alright Mother. I’ll leave.” With a quick kiss on her cheek, he turned back to his brothers and said solemnly, “I’m the same man I was two weeks ago. If you ever figure that out, you let me know. I won’t bother you any more.”
Grabbing his arm as he tried to pass, Victoria blinked back tears, “You’re bleeding. Let me do something for it.”
Jarrod glanced down at the blood that trickled from the cut and shook his head, “I’ll have the doctor look at when I get to town.” He looked her in the eye and even though she tried to hide it, he could see her discomfort. Oh she still held a mother’s love, but he had broken the boundaries and they would never share the same level of trust again. His eyes reflected the loss he felt and his voice was barely a whisper, “Goodbye, Mother.”
******
Three hours later he was headed for San Francisco, knowing that Stockton would never be home again. He’d had them hook his private railcar to the train, not wanting to share his company with anyone tonight. Waiting until the train was on its way, he took the crumpled and torn papers from his pocket and shook them open. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and let it out slowly, mentally preparing himself for what was in the letter from Adam. Piecing the two papers together, he began reading...
Dear Jarrod,
I’m sorry for not doing this sooner, but my hands have still not adequately healed to allow me to write. As it is, my brother Hoss is writing this for me. I want to apologize for all the problems I caused by looking you up after all these years. I want you to know that I don’t regret seeing you again, only that it ended as it did. I know how difficult things must be for you right now and I wish more than anything that I could be there to help you through it all. I’ll do my best to look you up on my next trip to San Francisco if you still want to continue reestablishing an old friendship.
Yours truly,
A
Jarrod read it through twice before the lulling motion of the train and the events of the day began weighing heavily on his battered body. For all the turmoil and heartbreak he’d suffered at the hands of family, he found a welcome comfort in Adam’s words. Of all the possible outcomes, it never occurred to him that his own family would cast him out. All his life he’d believed in the strong bond of family and that nothing was insurmountable as long as he had their support. It was devastating to find out that there was in fact something that even his family found unforgivable.
Chapter 10
As healing progressed, both men found solace in their work. Adam’s hands healed and he started out with the lighter chores, but was too restless to stay on restriction. It didn’t take long and he was working from dawn to dusk just to keep himself occupied and his thoughts away from what he wanted most....Jarrod. He tried to be more sociable to the family, not wishing to draw attention to his problem but they caught him daydreaming more than once and it was obvious he had something on his mind. It was difficult not to think of Jarrod, when he had yet to get a response to his letter. His moodiness soon returned and Ben decided that it had gone on long enough. Waiting until Hoss and Joe went to bed, he watched from his desk as Adam read by the fire. Reading wasn’t exactly accurate. Adam was holding his book, but the pages hadn’t been turned in some time and he seemed to be staring absently at the fire. Rising from his chair, Ben moved around the desk and approached his son. Sitting across from Adam, he fiddled with his pipe and began speaking, “You want to talk about it, Adam.”
Hearing his name, Adam looked up and realized his father was speaking to him, “Did you say something, Pa?”
Pipe in hand, he gestured towards Adam, “I asked if you wanted to talk about whatever it is that’s bothering you.”
“Nothing’s bothering me, Pa.”
Ben sighed inwardly. His oldest could be the most stubborn of his sons when it came to revealing his troubles, but he clearly had something on his mind. “Well, I can’t make you talk about it, but I want you to know that I’m always ready to listen if you change your mind.”
Adam flashed him a dimpled grin, “I know, Pa. This is just something I have to work out on my own.”
Resigning himself to no answers tonight, Ben rose and headed for the stairs, stopping beside Adam’s chair for a moment. Dropping his hand on his son’s shoulder, he said his goodnight, “Don’t stay up too late, you’ve been working too hard to let yourself get run down.”
“I won’t, I’ll just lock up and be up in a minute.”
Ben nodded, “Goodnight, son.”
“Night, Pa.”
Adam sat for almost another hour, thinking about Jarrod and wondering how differently things might have turned out had they not gotten caught. His days were spent reliving that final day together and his stupidity in allowing themselves to get caught. Having to leave when he did, agonizing over how Jarrod was doing or what he thought about the whole affair. Adam worried that Jarrod was having second thoughts about it all and that is why he’d not sent a letter. Scrubbing his hands through his hair, he mentally shook himself from his doubts and decided that dwelling on it all the time wasn’t going to change anything. If Jarrod chose not to respond, there was little he could do and he’d just have to accept that what he wanted most, just wasn’t meant to be.
Hauling himself up to bed after locking up, he stripped down and slid in to bed. Like most nights, he couldn’t stop from thinking of Jarrod and how wonderful their short time together was. He remembered everything vividly, Jarrod’s smell, the feel of his skin and especially his touch. Shifting on the bed, he slipped his hand to his aching hardness and stroked himself, imagining it was Jarrod’s hand and not his own. He tried to hold off and enjoy the sensations, but the images were sending him in a spiral towards release. His hand worked faster and feeling the tingle begin, he grabbed the large sac between his legs as it tightened and suddenly stiffened as his orgasm ripped through him. Even without Jarrod, the thought alone brought a mind-shattering climax. Biting down hard to keep from crying out as ecstasy surged from his pulsing shaft, Adam let it consume him. For a few seconds every night, he was back with Jarrod and everything was as it should be.
Jarrod’s world revolved around work and keeping himself busy. When working late didn’t work, he walked. He’d walk for hours until he was exhausted and only then would he stumble home, hoping to fall into a dreamless sleep. The dreams always started pleasantly with Adam, but then his anguished mind would conjure up nightmares that always startled him awake, leaving him trembling and gasping for air. His waking hours were no better as he tried to reconcile the loneliness he felt. The long hours were taking their toll, but Jarrod couldn’t even find enough enthusiasm to care. Depressed and lonely, he wandered aimlessly from day to day doing what needed to be done and nothing more. The weeks went to months and his family stayed away, the only letters he received were the occasional correspondence from his mother. Dry and unemotional they left Jarrod more bereft than ever.
It was late one night, near midnight when he rounded the corner and saw a lone figure sitting on his steps. His heart stopped for a brief second, but he gathered his courage and with a deep breath made his approach.
“How long have you been waiting?”
Caught unaware by Jarrod’s lack of emotion, his guest stood hesitantly and stammered, “I can go if you want me too.”
Jarrod stepped around him, opened the door and gestured for him to come in. Walking past, Adam brushed against him in the dark and was disheartened when Jarrod stepped away from the contact and proceeded to light some lanterns. Adam followed, but kept his distance, waiting for Jarrod to say something. Taking in Jarrod’s appearance, Adam was shocked at the change. Gone were the added pounds and he was tending towards too lean. His face bore a shadow of a beard that added to his ragged appearance but that Adam found surprisingly appealing. Shaking the thought away, he spoke up as Jarrod poured a drink and silently handed him one, “You look terrible.”
Shrugging, Jarrod turned towards the fireplace and stacked kindling for a fire. His movements seemed awkward, but the fire was soon going and Adam puzzled over what was different about his friend. Jarrod’s indifference tore at Adam and his guilt came to the forefront, “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you.”
Sitting down, Jarrod motioned for Adam to take a seat opposite. Leaning back, he stretched his long legs out in front of him and rested his drink on the armrest as he spoke in barely a whisper, “It wouldn’t have mattered.”
Adam rested his elbows on his knees and looked Jarrod in the eye, “It mattered to me. Why didn’t you return my letter?”
Shifting in his seat, Jarrod leaned forward, “I didn’t know what to say.”
“You could have told me how you were doing.”
“I don’t know how I’m doing.”
“You look like hell.”
“So you said.”
Frustrated that Jarrod wasn’t forthcoming with information, Adam stood, and spoke dejectedly, “I’m sorry Jarrod...for everything. I just needed to see you again. I’ll be staying at the International for a few days if you change your mind and want to talk.” Hanging his head, he shook it slowly and turned for the door, intent on leaving when Jarrod’s voice stopped him, “Please Adam, don’t go.”
Turning sharply, Adam strode back into the room, “Then talk to me. Damn it Jarrod, I want to help you, but I can’t do anything if you won’t tell me what you’re thinking.” Standing up, Jarrod headed for another drink, when Adam grabbed his arm and stopped him, “Talk to me!”
Jarrod looked down at the hand that held him, then up at Adam before pulling away, “My whole world has gone to hell and there’s not a thing I can do about it. Is that what you want to hear?” There was no anger, only despair and Adam stood motionless, his heart pounding frantically, worried that Jarrod would say it was over. That what they shared was a big mistake. He was expecting it but to hear Jarrod say it had him sweating. Pouring his drink, Jarrod only sighed, “My family wants nothing to do with me. My mother thinks if I ignore it, it will go away. Nick thinks that I’ve been swayed by you, and Heath...well he looks at me like he wishes I were dead. Thankfully Audra has been away so I have no idea what they’ve told her.”
Adam followed Jarrod to his seat and leaned against the mantle. Crossing his arms he said remorsefully, “I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused. I should have left it alone and stayed away.” Turning, Adam gripped the mantle and stared into the fire, “I never considered the consequences. I never meant for you to get hurt. Even when I stopped to see you, I never planned on doing anything, I just wanted to see you again. If I’d known that it would cause you so much pain I would have stayed away. I’m sorry.”
“It happened, it’s over.”
The color drained from Adam’s face and he was glad his back was to Jarrod, “Over?”
In a mere whisper, Jarrod replied, “I can’t do it, Adam. Everything about it is wrong. I’ve lost my family over this. I’ve always had that through everything and suddenly it’s all gone.”
Adam could feel his heart beating loudly in his chest and he fought to calm his breathing as he listened to Jarrod. He wanted to take him in his arms and offer reassurances but he’d already done too much and he stayed as he was. Jarrod continued as if he were thinking out loud, “I thought if I could forget about you it would all go away. When I met you in college, I was scared at how it made me feel just being around you. I wanted to be with you all the time and I was both thrilled and terrified by it. After you were gone, I didn’t know what to think...so I just tried to forget how you made me feel.”
“And now?”
Jarrod shook his head, “I’ve tried to forget and it won’t go away, but I don’t think I can do this. The cost is too high.”
Closing his eyes, Adam dropped his head to his chest and sighed, but couldn’t speak. He was too stunned to say anything and was trying to concentrate on drawing air into his lungs. As the silence descended, Jarrod realized there’d been no response, “Adam?”
“Hmmm?” answered Adam, shakily.
“Say something.”
Dropping his hands, Adam slumped into a nearby chair. “I can’t make you do this. I suppose I knew there was a chance when I didn’t hear from you. It doesn’t make it any easier. I can understand your reluctance after all you’ve been through. I was hoping for more.”
“I can’t Adam. I don’t want to lose my family or you. Can’t we just be friends?”
Seeing the despair on Jarrod’s face, Adam could see he needed something to hang on to. Adam wanted more than a friendship, but at least he could still be around Jarrod and at this point it was better than nothing. Maybe if he could spend time with him, he’d be able to work away at the wall he was hiding behind. A warm smile graced his face as he nodded, “Yeah, I can do that. It’s better than the alternative.”
Jarrod leaned back and his face reflected his relief. Adam watched him relax, and could see him start to drift off. “It’s late. You look like you could use some sleep.”
Rubbing his tired face, Jarrod nodded, “I haven’t been sleeping well. Maybe tonight will be different.” Looking Adam in the eye, he added softly, “I needed to talk to you.”
“That’s what I’m here for.” Moving to Jarrod’s side, he held out a hand, “Let’s put you to bed. You look like you could use some sleep.”
Hesitating, Jarrod finally took Adam’s outstretched hand and let him pull him to his feet. Jarrod reluctantly released Adam’s hand as he stood, his emotions for more touch warring with him. He shuddered slightly and stuttered, “Thanks. Look it’s late, why don’t you stay in the guest room? I can lend you whatever you need.”
Adam shrugged and tried to joke about the awkwardness of the situation, “I don’t know if I trust myself.”
Jarrod nudged him as they went upstairs, “I trust you or I wouldn’t have asked.”
Ignoring the tightening in his groin, Adam shrugged, “I know. I can’t promise that I won’t think of you as other than a friend but I’ll try not to make you uncomfortable. It’s the best I can do Jarrod.”
Leading Adam to his room, Jarrod fought against his desires and used all his courtroom skills to deal with the situation, “The bathroom is down the hall, everything you need should be there. I’ll grab you something to sleep in.”
Adam waved him off, “Don’t bother. I don’t usually sleep in anything anyway.”
Jarrod swallowed hard and turned away to hide his reaction to the thought of Adam lying naked in bed. “If you need something just holler.”
“I’ll see you in the morning. We’ll start with a good breakfast, fatten you up some.”
Smiling, Jarrod bid him goodnight, “Night, Adam.”
“Night, Jarrod.”
Going to his own room, Jarrod had to admit that it was nice to have someone concerned about his well being again. Seeing Adam was hard, but the strain of no family to support him had worn him down and he needed a friend. He wanted so much more than friendship with Adam but too many things kept him from acting on it despite his desires. Family weighed heavily on him and no matter how successful or old he got, they would still be an important part for who he was. It would take more than a few months to reconcile with the loss. Lying in bed alone, he soon found some much needed sleep, but it was far from restful.
Author: Chaps1870
Warnings: Slash
Pairings: Jarrod/Adam
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Two old friends discover they share more than just a simple friendship
Disclaimer: This story is for entertainment only and not intended to infringe on the holders of rights of The Big Valley or Bonanza.
Chapter 9
Jarrod gingerly made his way down the stairs, doing his best not to wince as stitches and scabs pulled against his skin or rubbed against his clothing. He’d stayed in his room, avoiding any confrontation with the family but he’d grown restless with the same routine day in and day out. None of them were comfortable around him and they began spending less and less time checking in on him. Isolating himself would resolve nothing and he ventured downstairs stopping near the bottom when Heath came in the front door. He stood still, using the time to catch his breath, suddenly wary when Heath’s eyes found him. His brother was normally very good at masking his feelings and Jarrod blanched at the open hostility in Heath’s face. Heath strode to the foyer table and dropping all but a single envelope, stormed towards where he stood on the stairs. Pausing for only a second at Jarrod’s side, he palmed the envelope and slapped it hard into Jarrod’s chest, forcing him backward onto the steps. Jarrod barely heard his brother growl on his way past, “Yer mail!”
Sitting on the stairs with his knees drawn up, Jarrod’s chest screamed in agony where Heath had smacked him. He clenched the banister tightly as sweat beaded on his brow and waited for the pain to drop to a manageable level. Heath’s malicious blow had been intentional, meant to hurt him. Wiping away the dampness on his face, Jarrod glanced down at his chest and could see his shirt begin to stain with blood. One of the deeper cuts lay right where Heath had struck him, and the force had popped at least one of the stitches. He watched as the stain grew in size, not really seeing it. All he felt was the pain of Heath’s animosity on his heart. Although Heath was only his half brother he never thought of him as any thing less than a real brother and having him lash out with such anger cut Jarrod to the core. Ever so slowly he got to his feet and trudged up the stairs to his room, forgetting all about the letter Heath had thrust into his hands.
Once in his room, he dropped the now bloody envelope to his nightstand, and eased himself down on the bed. With his good hand, he undid the buttons of his shirt to access the damage and found that two stitches had been torn free by Heath’s brutal slap. An inch of the wound gaped open and blood oozed freely down his chest. Removing his shirt, he held it to the cut and lay down, exhausted and hurting. Thinking he should call for some help, he wondered if he was even worth it and let himself drift off to sleep.
“Jarrod! Wake up! You’re bleeding.”
Groggy, Jarrod tried to sit up, but Nick held him down, “Whoa, stay put. Let me look at it.”
Batting his hand away, Jarrod tried to roll over, “It’s nothing.”
“Quit bein’ so stubborn. What did you do?”
Glaring at his brother, Jarrod snapped, “I didn’t do anything, Heath did!”
Nick frowned, “What the devil are you saying?” He lifted the bloody shirt and was relieved to see that the wound was no longer bleeding. “That needs to be stitched again. Why would Heath do this?”
“I don’t know, he slapped a letter into my chest on his way by.” Against Nick’s protests, Jarrod sat up and reached for the letter he put aside earlier.
“Maybe he didn’t mean to hurt you,” questioned Nick, unable to believe that Heath would purposely hurt Jarrod.
Jarrod held the letter in his hand and spoke in his own defense, “He hit me hard enough to knock me down, Nick.” Nick was suddenly forgotten as Jarrod turned the envelope over in his hand and saw the sender’s name. His heart raced, and his hand trembled as he stared down at Adam’s name, only to have it jerked out of his hand.
Nick’s face flooded with anger as he tore the envelope in half and threw the pieces to the floor, “You gotta stay away from him. If it weren’t for him, none of this would of happened.”
Shocked by Nick’s words, Jarrod watched the paper flutter to the floor, “Is that what you think? That this is all his fault.”
Very sure of himself, Nick spoke up, “I’ve known you all my life, Jarrod. You never woulda done something like that without somebody forcin’ ya to. What’d he have on ya? Something from when you were in college, was that it?”
Standing slowly, Jarrod reached down, picked up the two pieces of paper and put them in his pocket for safekeeping. Moving to the water basin, he cleaned the blood off his hands and chest, trying to compose himself against Nick’s barrage of questions. Jarrod quietly answered his brother, “Adam didn’t do anything I didn’t want him too. I’m as much to blame as he was.”
Nick shook his head adamantly, “No....no...I know you like women. You were married to Beth.”
“That was a way to hide the truth, even from myself. I was 32 when I married her. Kinda old to be getting married for the first time, don’t you think.
“So you never found someone you wanted to spend your life with, so what. It don’t mean nothin’. Lots of men wait that long.”
“I was never satisfied with who I was with, even Beth. Oh I loved her, but not in the way that I wanted to. By that time, I was ready to settle for what I thought was the best it could get.”
Nick was thunderstruck, “What are you gettin’ at?”
Jarrod sat down heavily in the chair and held a towel on his wound to keep it from bleeding again, “I’ve had a lot of time to think about all of it. Everything I did was a way to keep from admitting that I was an abomination, an evil seed, a black mark on this family.” Shaking his head in resignation, he sighed, “Thought I’d managed to keep it locked away...until Adam showed up.”
“NO!!!! There is no way you are ever gonna convince me that you...you...” Nick couldn’t even say the word without shaking in anger.
Raising his voice, Jarrod challenged, “What Nick? Say it...that I want Adam.”
Striding towards Jarrod, Nick looked him right in the eye and hollered, “NO! NO BROTHER OF MINE WOULD EVER BE LIKE THAT!!!!”
Jarrod met his gaze and tried to speak calmly, “That’s where you’re wrong, brother Nick.” Rising to his feet, Jarrod clamped onto Nick’s arm with his good hand, “I’m sorry, but I’m tired of denying it doesn’t exist. When Adam showed up here it brought back everything I forced myself to forget all those years ago. I was tired of hiding it, pretending I didn’t have feelings for him. One thing led to another. We never intended on getting caught. If you hadn’t come along, no one ever needed to know.”
Nick jerked out of Jarrod’s grasp as if he’d been burned and snarled, “Don’t touch me! I can’t believe you can stand there and act like there’s nothing wrong with what you’ve done.”
His temper flaring, Jarrod stood his ground, “I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help the way I feel.”
Not wanting to hear any more, Nick shoved Jarrod hard pushing him away, “SHUT UP! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT!”
Jarrod fell backward and landing hard, groaned loudly. In an instant Heath entered the mix and holding Nick back, glared down at Jarrod and hissed, “Get out Jarrod, before I finish what Nick started.”
Victoria appeared in the doorway and gasped at Heath’s demand, “HEATH!”
Nick turned, and brushing his hair out of the way, defended Heath, “I want him off this ranch. Either he goes or I go.”
“He’s your brother, you can’t just send him away,” declared Victoria. One look at Heath and she knew that he felt the same as Nick. It had come down to brother against brother and Jarrod was being forced to leave or risk staying at the family’s expense. Jarrod saw it too and got to his feet. Swaying a bit, his chest bleeding again, he grabbed a shirt and walked unsteadily to the door where his mother stood. “It’s alright Mother. I’ll leave.” With a quick kiss on her cheek, he turned back to his brothers and said solemnly, “I’m the same man I was two weeks ago. If you ever figure that out, you let me know. I won’t bother you any more.”
Grabbing his arm as he tried to pass, Victoria blinked back tears, “You’re bleeding. Let me do something for it.”
Jarrod glanced down at the blood that trickled from the cut and shook his head, “I’ll have the doctor look at when I get to town.” He looked her in the eye and even though she tried to hide it, he could see her discomfort. Oh she still held a mother’s love, but he had broken the boundaries and they would never share the same level of trust again. His eyes reflected the loss he felt and his voice was barely a whisper, “Goodbye, Mother.”
******
Three hours later he was headed for San Francisco, knowing that Stockton would never be home again. He’d had them hook his private railcar to the train, not wanting to share his company with anyone tonight. Waiting until the train was on its way, he took the crumpled and torn papers from his pocket and shook them open. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and let it out slowly, mentally preparing himself for what was in the letter from Adam. Piecing the two papers together, he began reading...
Dear Jarrod,
I’m sorry for not doing this sooner, but my hands have still not adequately healed to allow me to write. As it is, my brother Hoss is writing this for me. I want to apologize for all the problems I caused by looking you up after all these years. I want you to know that I don’t regret seeing you again, only that it ended as it did. I know how difficult things must be for you right now and I wish more than anything that I could be there to help you through it all. I’ll do my best to look you up on my next trip to San Francisco if you still want to continue reestablishing an old friendship.
Yours truly,
A
Jarrod read it through twice before the lulling motion of the train and the events of the day began weighing heavily on his battered body. For all the turmoil and heartbreak he’d suffered at the hands of family, he found a welcome comfort in Adam’s words. Of all the possible outcomes, it never occurred to him that his own family would cast him out. All his life he’d believed in the strong bond of family and that nothing was insurmountable as long as he had their support. It was devastating to find out that there was in fact something that even his family found unforgivable.
Chapter 10
As healing progressed, both men found solace in their work. Adam’s hands healed and he started out with the lighter chores, but was too restless to stay on restriction. It didn’t take long and he was working from dawn to dusk just to keep himself occupied and his thoughts away from what he wanted most....Jarrod. He tried to be more sociable to the family, not wishing to draw attention to his problem but they caught him daydreaming more than once and it was obvious he had something on his mind. It was difficult not to think of Jarrod, when he had yet to get a response to his letter. His moodiness soon returned and Ben decided that it had gone on long enough. Waiting until Hoss and Joe went to bed, he watched from his desk as Adam read by the fire. Reading wasn’t exactly accurate. Adam was holding his book, but the pages hadn’t been turned in some time and he seemed to be staring absently at the fire. Rising from his chair, Ben moved around the desk and approached his son. Sitting across from Adam, he fiddled with his pipe and began speaking, “You want to talk about it, Adam.”
Hearing his name, Adam looked up and realized his father was speaking to him, “Did you say something, Pa?”
Pipe in hand, he gestured towards Adam, “I asked if you wanted to talk about whatever it is that’s bothering you.”
“Nothing’s bothering me, Pa.”
Ben sighed inwardly. His oldest could be the most stubborn of his sons when it came to revealing his troubles, but he clearly had something on his mind. “Well, I can’t make you talk about it, but I want you to know that I’m always ready to listen if you change your mind.”
Adam flashed him a dimpled grin, “I know, Pa. This is just something I have to work out on my own.”
Resigning himself to no answers tonight, Ben rose and headed for the stairs, stopping beside Adam’s chair for a moment. Dropping his hand on his son’s shoulder, he said his goodnight, “Don’t stay up too late, you’ve been working too hard to let yourself get run down.”
“I won’t, I’ll just lock up and be up in a minute.”
Ben nodded, “Goodnight, son.”
“Night, Pa.”
Adam sat for almost another hour, thinking about Jarrod and wondering how differently things might have turned out had they not gotten caught. His days were spent reliving that final day together and his stupidity in allowing themselves to get caught. Having to leave when he did, agonizing over how Jarrod was doing or what he thought about the whole affair. Adam worried that Jarrod was having second thoughts about it all and that is why he’d not sent a letter. Scrubbing his hands through his hair, he mentally shook himself from his doubts and decided that dwelling on it all the time wasn’t going to change anything. If Jarrod chose not to respond, there was little he could do and he’d just have to accept that what he wanted most, just wasn’t meant to be.
Hauling himself up to bed after locking up, he stripped down and slid in to bed. Like most nights, he couldn’t stop from thinking of Jarrod and how wonderful their short time together was. He remembered everything vividly, Jarrod’s smell, the feel of his skin and especially his touch. Shifting on the bed, he slipped his hand to his aching hardness and stroked himself, imagining it was Jarrod’s hand and not his own. He tried to hold off and enjoy the sensations, but the images were sending him in a spiral towards release. His hand worked faster and feeling the tingle begin, he grabbed the large sac between his legs as it tightened and suddenly stiffened as his orgasm ripped through him. Even without Jarrod, the thought alone brought a mind-shattering climax. Biting down hard to keep from crying out as ecstasy surged from his pulsing shaft, Adam let it consume him. For a few seconds every night, he was back with Jarrod and everything was as it should be.
Jarrod’s world revolved around work and keeping himself busy. When working late didn’t work, he walked. He’d walk for hours until he was exhausted and only then would he stumble home, hoping to fall into a dreamless sleep. The dreams always started pleasantly with Adam, but then his anguished mind would conjure up nightmares that always startled him awake, leaving him trembling and gasping for air. His waking hours were no better as he tried to reconcile the loneliness he felt. The long hours were taking their toll, but Jarrod couldn’t even find enough enthusiasm to care. Depressed and lonely, he wandered aimlessly from day to day doing what needed to be done and nothing more. The weeks went to months and his family stayed away, the only letters he received were the occasional correspondence from his mother. Dry and unemotional they left Jarrod more bereft than ever.
It was late one night, near midnight when he rounded the corner and saw a lone figure sitting on his steps. His heart stopped for a brief second, but he gathered his courage and with a deep breath made his approach.
“How long have you been waiting?”
Caught unaware by Jarrod’s lack of emotion, his guest stood hesitantly and stammered, “I can go if you want me too.”
Jarrod stepped around him, opened the door and gestured for him to come in. Walking past, Adam brushed against him in the dark and was disheartened when Jarrod stepped away from the contact and proceeded to light some lanterns. Adam followed, but kept his distance, waiting for Jarrod to say something. Taking in Jarrod’s appearance, Adam was shocked at the change. Gone were the added pounds and he was tending towards too lean. His face bore a shadow of a beard that added to his ragged appearance but that Adam found surprisingly appealing. Shaking the thought away, he spoke up as Jarrod poured a drink and silently handed him one, “You look terrible.”
Shrugging, Jarrod turned towards the fireplace and stacked kindling for a fire. His movements seemed awkward, but the fire was soon going and Adam puzzled over what was different about his friend. Jarrod’s indifference tore at Adam and his guilt came to the forefront, “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you.”
Sitting down, Jarrod motioned for Adam to take a seat opposite. Leaning back, he stretched his long legs out in front of him and rested his drink on the armrest as he spoke in barely a whisper, “It wouldn’t have mattered.”
Adam rested his elbows on his knees and looked Jarrod in the eye, “It mattered to me. Why didn’t you return my letter?”
Shifting in his seat, Jarrod leaned forward, “I didn’t know what to say.”
“You could have told me how you were doing.”
“I don’t know how I’m doing.”
“You look like hell.”
“So you said.”
Frustrated that Jarrod wasn’t forthcoming with information, Adam stood, and spoke dejectedly, “I’m sorry Jarrod...for everything. I just needed to see you again. I’ll be staying at the International for a few days if you change your mind and want to talk.” Hanging his head, he shook it slowly and turned for the door, intent on leaving when Jarrod’s voice stopped him, “Please Adam, don’t go.”
Turning sharply, Adam strode back into the room, “Then talk to me. Damn it Jarrod, I want to help you, but I can’t do anything if you won’t tell me what you’re thinking.” Standing up, Jarrod headed for another drink, when Adam grabbed his arm and stopped him, “Talk to me!”
Jarrod looked down at the hand that held him, then up at Adam before pulling away, “My whole world has gone to hell and there’s not a thing I can do about it. Is that what you want to hear?” There was no anger, only despair and Adam stood motionless, his heart pounding frantically, worried that Jarrod would say it was over. That what they shared was a big mistake. He was expecting it but to hear Jarrod say it had him sweating. Pouring his drink, Jarrod only sighed, “My family wants nothing to do with me. My mother thinks if I ignore it, it will go away. Nick thinks that I’ve been swayed by you, and Heath...well he looks at me like he wishes I were dead. Thankfully Audra has been away so I have no idea what they’ve told her.”
Adam followed Jarrod to his seat and leaned against the mantle. Crossing his arms he said remorsefully, “I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused. I should have left it alone and stayed away.” Turning, Adam gripped the mantle and stared into the fire, “I never considered the consequences. I never meant for you to get hurt. Even when I stopped to see you, I never planned on doing anything, I just wanted to see you again. If I’d known that it would cause you so much pain I would have stayed away. I’m sorry.”
“It happened, it’s over.”
The color drained from Adam’s face and he was glad his back was to Jarrod, “Over?”
In a mere whisper, Jarrod replied, “I can’t do it, Adam. Everything about it is wrong. I’ve lost my family over this. I’ve always had that through everything and suddenly it’s all gone.”
Adam could feel his heart beating loudly in his chest and he fought to calm his breathing as he listened to Jarrod. He wanted to take him in his arms and offer reassurances but he’d already done too much and he stayed as he was. Jarrod continued as if he were thinking out loud, “I thought if I could forget about you it would all go away. When I met you in college, I was scared at how it made me feel just being around you. I wanted to be with you all the time and I was both thrilled and terrified by it. After you were gone, I didn’t know what to think...so I just tried to forget how you made me feel.”
“And now?”
Jarrod shook his head, “I’ve tried to forget and it won’t go away, but I don’t think I can do this. The cost is too high.”
Closing his eyes, Adam dropped his head to his chest and sighed, but couldn’t speak. He was too stunned to say anything and was trying to concentrate on drawing air into his lungs. As the silence descended, Jarrod realized there’d been no response, “Adam?”
“Hmmm?” answered Adam, shakily.
“Say something.”
Dropping his hands, Adam slumped into a nearby chair. “I can’t make you do this. I suppose I knew there was a chance when I didn’t hear from you. It doesn’t make it any easier. I can understand your reluctance after all you’ve been through. I was hoping for more.”
“I can’t Adam. I don’t want to lose my family or you. Can’t we just be friends?”
Seeing the despair on Jarrod’s face, Adam could see he needed something to hang on to. Adam wanted more than a friendship, but at least he could still be around Jarrod and at this point it was better than nothing. Maybe if he could spend time with him, he’d be able to work away at the wall he was hiding behind. A warm smile graced his face as he nodded, “Yeah, I can do that. It’s better than the alternative.”
Jarrod leaned back and his face reflected his relief. Adam watched him relax, and could see him start to drift off. “It’s late. You look like you could use some sleep.”
Rubbing his tired face, Jarrod nodded, “I haven’t been sleeping well. Maybe tonight will be different.” Looking Adam in the eye, he added softly, “I needed to talk to you.”
“That’s what I’m here for.” Moving to Jarrod’s side, he held out a hand, “Let’s put you to bed. You look like you could use some sleep.”
Hesitating, Jarrod finally took Adam’s outstretched hand and let him pull him to his feet. Jarrod reluctantly released Adam’s hand as he stood, his emotions for more touch warring with him. He shuddered slightly and stuttered, “Thanks. Look it’s late, why don’t you stay in the guest room? I can lend you whatever you need.”
Adam shrugged and tried to joke about the awkwardness of the situation, “I don’t know if I trust myself.”
Jarrod nudged him as they went upstairs, “I trust you or I wouldn’t have asked.”
Ignoring the tightening in his groin, Adam shrugged, “I know. I can’t promise that I won’t think of you as other than a friend but I’ll try not to make you uncomfortable. It’s the best I can do Jarrod.”
Leading Adam to his room, Jarrod fought against his desires and used all his courtroom skills to deal with the situation, “The bathroom is down the hall, everything you need should be there. I’ll grab you something to sleep in.”
Adam waved him off, “Don’t bother. I don’t usually sleep in anything anyway.”
Jarrod swallowed hard and turned away to hide his reaction to the thought of Adam lying naked in bed. “If you need something just holler.”
“I’ll see you in the morning. We’ll start with a good breakfast, fatten you up some.”
Smiling, Jarrod bid him goodnight, “Night, Adam.”
“Night, Jarrod.”
Going to his own room, Jarrod had to admit that it was nice to have someone concerned about his well being again. Seeing Adam was hard, but the strain of no family to support him had worn him down and he needed a friend. He wanted so much more than friendship with Adam but too many things kept him from acting on it despite his desires. Family weighed heavily on him and no matter how successful or old he got, they would still be an important part for who he was. It would take more than a few months to reconcile with the loss. Lying in bed alone, he soon found some much needed sleep, but it was far from restful.