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Title: Bloodlust
Author: Chaps1870
Pairing: McShep
Rating: NC-17
Warning: Vampire AU
Chapter Two
Everything changed after that. Sheppard didn’t actively avoid him, but the little things that marked their relationship were glaringly absent. Rodney found himself eating alone more often than not. There was no one to bring him coffee or force him to bed when he stayed late in the labs and it was Radek that shoved coffee at him when he found him slumped over his computer most mornings. He returned to his quarters only long enough to shower and change. He’d since returned John’s things, getting nothing but a ‘thanks’ for his efforts but John’s smell still lingered. Rodney’s room was just another grim reminder of the loneliness he’d fought against all his life.
On the nights when sleep eluded him, he roamed the depths of Atlantis. He loved the nights, always had. No surprise there, not when one considered what he was. Early on, when they first arrived in Atlantis, Rodney had discovered the comfort the darkness offered and found a small, out of the way room surrounded on three sides by glass. It was a wonderful view of the ocean depths and even on the brightest days it offered shelter from the glaring sun. On his worst days he could close off the world and let down his defenses. The constant vigilance against discovery was tiring, even on his best days. John had given him a chance to let down the walls, if only a little. He missed the closeness. He missed John.
As days turned to weeks, John stayed away and Rodney pulled further into himself, some days forgetting the old habits. It no longer seemed important. He had finally tasted John and it tore at him. He could feel it in his blood now, feel the change and it was getting harder to deny.
More than once Radek had picked him up off the floor where he’d collapsed from not eating. Food no longer tasted as it once had, and he couldn’t make himself eat the necessary amounts to stave off the hypoglycemia. He hated those that thought it a weakness. He often wondered what they would think if they knew the sacrifices he made to live amongst them. It was a choice he’d made in order to do his work.
Without his work there was no escape from the loneliness that haunted his days and nights. Even before he and John had gotten together, he wasn’t alone, not like now. They’d been friends first and had spent a lot of the down time finding ways to be together. Missions were fun then, even with the lurking danger. Now they were just awkward and uncomfortable. It was no longer fun when Sheppard refused to talk. The only thing that had kept Rodney from leaving was the occasional fleeting glimpse of longing he thought he saw in John’s eyes. He would blink and it would be gone, replaced by the mask of indifference. It was time to move on. It was time to let go.
He made the decision and spoke to Elizabeth. She wasn’t too happy with him, spent an hour trying to get inside his head. Rodney remained adamant, knowing there was nothing she could say that would change his mind. It was over and her opinion wasn’t the one that mattered.
Moving deeper into Atlantis, he holed up in his little sanctuary. He ended up staring absently at the schools of fish darting back and forth before he drifted into peaceful oblivion.
He had no idea how long he stayed. He was lightheaded and shaky when he woke indicating it had been awhile. The second clue came when he returned to his quarters to shower and change and found Sheppard waiting on him. Rodney staggered in, not bothering to turn up the lights. What was the point? Sheppard might as well know all of it. Rodney ignored him as he scrounged his desk for a powerbar.
Sheppard followed him into the room, the door shutting firmly behind him. Rodney ate the bar in two bites and looked for another. Having Sheppard in his room, up close and personal wasn’t helping Rodney’s appetite. Opening a drawer to search, he was grabbed by the arm and spun around by a very irate Colonel. “Where have you been? You’ve been out of radio contact for almost a day.”
Reaching for his ear, Rodney realized his radio was missing. He shrugged, “Hmph. Forgot to put it on. Sorry.” He jerked from Sheppard’s grasp and continued his search for food, only to be pulled away again.
Sheppard growled in his face, “Forget the damn food. Where were you?”
Rodney stared at Sheppard’s hand that had his arm in a death grip and snarled, “I need to eat, unless of course you want to pick me up off the floor. Given the way things are, you’re more likely to leave me to die. So forgive me if your needs don’t quite concern me at the moment.”
John stumbled back as if he’d been physically hit. His voice was tinged with hurt and disbelief, “Is that what you think?”
Finding food, Rodney opened it and took a big bite. He spoke around it as he waved his hands, “You won’t talk to me. You don’t want to be around me. Ever since we came back, you haven’t had the time of day for me. What do you expect me to think?”
There was no response and Rodney closed his eyes with a sigh, “Look, just forget it. I took myself off the team, so you don’t even have to pretend you don’t hate me. If you’re real lucky you won’t even have to see me but for an occasional staff meeting.” Rodney sadly shook his head, “Now if you’ll excuse me. I need a shower. I stink. You know the way out.”
He could feel Sheppard’s eyes on him and Rodney hid a shiver, making his way to the bathroom instead. As much as he’d convinced himself that it was over between them, it didn’t hurt any less than it did weeks ago. Rodney looked at Sheppard, who didn’t seem inclined to leave, and huffed, “Suit yourself.” He went in the bathroom, closing the door behind him.
It was ludicrous to believe Sheppard would be gone when he came out, but Rodney was hopeful. It saved him the shock of finding him still sitting on his bed when he reemerged from the bathroom. Rubbing a towel through his hair, he grabbed clean shirt. Shaking his head and too tired for pleasantries, he asked quietly, “What do you want?”
Leaning forward, Sheppard ran his fingers through his hair and Rodney closed his eyes, wishing it were his fingers. With an inward sigh, he moved to the far side of the room, needing to distance himself. John had that hurt look in his eye for a fraction of a second before it was gone, the mask back in place. “I don’t want you to leave the team.”
Rodney snorted, “See, I missed that part. I got the distinct impression you never wanted to see me again. You’ll forgive me if I misunderstood the glares and avoidance tactics.”
Sheppard shot to his feet and entered Rodney’s space, forcing him back. He pointed a finger in Rodney’s chest, emphasizing each word with a poke, “You could have told me.”
Chin jutting forward, Rodney slapped Sheppard’s hand away, “And I’d have lost everything a lot sooner than I did.” There was no hiding the pain it cost him to say that.
The anger went out of John and he slumped into the nearest chair, “I don’t want to lose you, Rodney. I just don’t know if we can fix this.” He looked up, “I don’t know if I can get past the whole vampire thing.”
“I can’t change what I am.” Rodney settled on the bed, giving them both some space.
“I know that,” sighed John, looking at Rodney for the first time with something other than apathy or anger. “I thought you trusted me.”
“It’s not a matter of trust. We’re living in a galaxy full of life-sucking aliens. I didn’t think you’d take this very well.” He paused, adding a smirk, “Seems I was right.”
“Yeah, well I’m here now. Can we start with some answers?”
Taking a deep breath, Rodney let it out loudly, “What do you want to know?”
John was grateful for the darkness as he asked, “How did you become a vampire?”
Rodney snorted, “I was born this way. My mother was a vampire.”
“And your dad?”
“Human.”
“Is that normal?”
Shrugging, Rodney answered, “Sometimes. He thought he loved her. Maybe he did. I don’t know. The fact that he took me and my sister away from her when I was six makes you wonder.”
John cringed, “Sorry.”
“Don’t be. It was a long time ago,” said Rodney. It was still hard to talk about it. He only remembered how his dad dragged them away from their mother and refused to speak of her from that moment on.
The silence that descended on the room was deafening. John asked another question, “So I thought vampires only came out at night.”
“We don’t like the sun but some can tolerate it for short periods. Me, more than most, because of my half blood status.”
“But it still bothers you?” questioned John, curious.
Rodney nodded, “You didn’t think I bitched just to hear myself bitch did you?”
John smiled, “Ummm.”
“Oh, haha,” sneered Rodney, the darkness hiding the small smile that threatened. He quieted and added more seriously, determined to give Sheppard the answers he was looking for. It was time for honesty. “I don’t like being in the sun. It’s uncomfortable. The suit helped on P3M-736, but the UV was so intense that by the end of the day I was…I was hurting.”
“Hurting how?” There was genuine concern in John’s voice.
“It’s hard to explain. Even a few hours in the sun can make me uncomfortable. It’s like an annoying tingle. An itch I can’t scratch.”
John turned toward him, “How bad was it, Rodney?”
Rodney shrugged his shoulders, embarrassed to admit how miserable he’d been that day. Everyone thought he was being overdramatic about the effects of UV damage and he hated the scornful looks he’d gotten for even mentioning it. Even Carson had rolled his eyes in contempt. Rodney suffered through the night rather than admit how sick he really was. “It’s like having your nerves exposed. That was the worst I’ve ever been. I was sick most of the night.”
“Shit, Rodney. Why didn’t you say something?” John paled, “What about when we flew into the sun?”
“Not so bad. We weren’t out there very long, not like the day I spent traipsing after Ford.”
“So you stay up all night working because of the sun,” said John, understanding dawning.
“No, I stay up at night because there aren’t enough hours in the day to get everything done that needs to be done and still survive in this wonderful place we call home,” joked Rodney. Although it wasn’t far from the truth. “I prefer to work at night and sleep during the day if I have a choice. Unfortunately, that isn’t possible here on Atlantis.”
John asked guiltily, “So, me dragging you from the lab in the middle of the night was the wrong thing to do?”
Rodney shook his head, “No, I need to sleep sometime. I get caught up in my work and forget sometimes how late it really is.” He didn’t add that he missed John showing up to take him home at night.
“Ah.” John shifted nervously for several seconds then bit the bullet. “So, the blood thing…”
Rodney squirmed at the thought of John’s blood. It brought back the memories of that day in the cave and he swallowed hard before answering, “I don’t need it if that’s what you’re afraid of.”
John visible shuddered, “But you can suck blood?”
Slowly, Rodney nodded, “Yes.”
“But you don’t need to?”
“No.”
“But you want to?”
“Is there a point to this, or we just doing twenty questions?” snapped Rodney. This is not where he wanted this conversation going. “Look, I can drink blood. I just choose not to. It’s hard to find a good source this far from home and I’d rather not alienate the few friends I have. It wasn’t something I ever really did.”
“I thought you needed blood to survive.”
“Humph. Another myth. Food is fine, just not as efficient.” Rodney blushed and stammered, “It’s why I have to eat so much. My body doesn’t process it as well.”
John frowned. “So the hypoglycemia is because of the vampire thing?”
“Yes.”
“That sucks,” quipped John. Realizing his slip his head shot up and he muttered, “Sorry.”
“Forget it.”
“Can I ask another question?”
Rodney fidgeted, knowing it wouldn’t be a good one but couldn’t deny John. He tried to joke, “Sure. I’m past the humiliation thing, lets move on to my dignity.”
“I’m not trying to…”
Interrupting, Rodney twirled his finger impatiently, “I know. Just ask your question.”
“When we were in the cave you didn’t want me near you. Why?”
Rodney cursed under his breath. Knowing he had to answer this question and doing it were two different things. He’d hoped John hadn’t remembered that part of the mission. “This is so hard to explain without freaking you out, so just listen before you say anything. Okay?”
John just nodded. Rodney couldn’t sit still any longer and started pacing anxiously. It didn’t help that he could smell John. Could smell the sweat and a subtle hint of fear. Rodney took a breath and started talking. “I’ve never tasted the blood of someone close to me. The few times I tried, it was always a stranger. That’s how it’s supposed to work. Well, most of the time anyway. If…when…I…” Rodney paced, his fingers dancing nervously as he tried to find words that wouldn’t scare John away. “Damn it.”
“Just tell me, Rodney. It can’t be any worse than what I already know.”
“Ye of little faith,” sighed Rodney, sinking back on the bed.
“Just so you know, this isn’t helping with the freak out,” teased John, forcing a smile to reassure Rodney. It was unconvincing.
“I don’t normally do the blood thing, that doesn’t mean I don’t want to.” He hesitated before adding, wringing his hands as he spoke, “With you it’s harder to resist. On the planet… I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t let you bleed to death when I could stop it.”
“About that. How did you do that?” A glare from Rodney and John obviously remembered he was supposed to just listen. He said contritely, “Sorry.”
Rodney felt the sweat begin to form on his face as he tried to speak, “I uh… when I feed I can heal the wound after. I had to try it. It worked.” His hands were beginning to trembling just thinking about it. He ducked his head and mumbled, “I wanted to.”
John stared at him, shocked by the admission. Rodney rambled anxiously, “That’s not to say I couldn’t stop myself because I could. I do. I mean I would never do it without your permission, not the real thing. This was more of an emergency thing and in no way like a real feeding. As much as I’d love to do that, I wouldn’t. The thing in the cave was just a taste, but I stopped. I didn’t go through with it. I couldn’t let myself. I didn’t have your permission. If it was really a feeding I would have asked your permission because the bloodlust comes after and that can be really intense. Well at least that’s what I’ve heard. I’ve never really wanted to go that route with someone and to be honest I never trusted any one enough to try. Even in the cave it was hard to control how good it felt to have you that close but I couldn’t do it. I really can’t imagine how intense it would be after a real feeding. I mean I’ve done the feeding thing a time or two but never with someone I lo...” Seeing John’s pale face, Rodney took a breath and deflated, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to say all that.” He muttered to himself, “So not helping yourself here, Rodney.”
In a half strangled whisper, John only uttered one word, “Bloodlust?”
The word alone sent a shiver down Rodney’s spine, making his heart race. Senses alerted to John’s increasing fear, Rodney tried to backpedal. “I should go. I’ve said too much.” Lurching to his feet, he was out the door before he realized he’d fled his own room.
********
John blindly watched Rodney leave but couldn’t raise his voice to stop him. His thoughts drifted to the conversation, to Rodney’s barely contained excitement as he spoke. His fear that he’d said too much and yes, John was freaked, but not as bad as he thought he’d be. Knowing more about Rodney’s nature, about what he would or wouldn’t do had helped allay some of John’s worst fears.
Mostly he was curious about the bloodlust Rodney mentioned and wondered if it was anything like the way he felt when he was influenced by the retrovirus. He’d been really glad that Rodney had stayed away for most of the transformation and that he’d been restrained. When the lucidity left him all he had was an insatiable need for Rodney and only the restraints had kept him from taking him. He’d never told Rodney of his need to possess him, terrified it would scare him away. If the bloodlust Rodney spoke of was anything like that than he sympathized with Rodney and could totally understand his reluctance to say anything.
If it was as he said, than he also had to credit Rodney with his restraint. John doubted he could have held back without being tied down. Hell, he still wanted Rodney, but the whole vampire thing left him wondering if they’d ever find a common ground again. He missed Rodney, missed him in his bed at night but more than anything he missed the time they spent together. He just couldn’t quite forget Rodney was a vampire and move on.
**********
Rodney was expecting John to avoid him completely after his confession, but leave it to Sheppard to always do the unexpected. As usual, especially of late, Rodney was still working when Sheppard found him. “Hey.”
Slumped over his computer, Rodney spared him a brief glance. “What do you want?”
“Well, for one we have a mission tomorrow and you really should get some sleep.”
“I resigned, remember?” said Rodney, idly pushing keys, looking depressed.
John took up residence on the edge of Rodney’s desk, “Yeah about that. I think you should reconsider.”
Resting his head in his hand as he continued to tap on the keyboard, Rodney frowned, “Why? Nothing’s changed.”
“Exactly, nothing’s changed. You’re still the same Rodney McKay that came to Atlantis two years ago, arrogant, temperamental…” teased John.
Rodney sneered back, “Don’t insult the man that regulates your water temperature, Colonel.”
John smiled then dropped a hand on Rodney’s shoulder. “We can still work together, can’t we?” It was the first time since the planet that John had touched him. He could feel the heat of John’s hand even through his shirt and it took all his control not to react to it but then it was gone.
“Sure, we’re both mature adults. We’ll I am. The jury is still out on you,” joked Rodney, anything to alleviate the ache in his gut. It didn’t help and he had to ask, “So, you and me? Any word on that?”
John shifted nervously, his hands gripping the edge of the desk a little tighter as he sighed, “I don’t know. I want to. It’s just…um…”
“The whole vampire thing,” supplied Rodney, solemnly. He knew it wasn’t something they’d resolve overnight. The fact that John was speaking to him again was more than he could have hoped for.
“Yeah.” John ducked his head. “Sorry, I just need some time.”
Rodney nodded weakly, “It’s okay. I was pretty much expecting a ‘no fucking way’, so this is a definite improvement on that.”
“Like I could stay away from your irresistible charm and wonderful personality,” teased John, flashing Rodney a smile.
“Asshole,” snorted Rodney, pushing John away from his desk. “Go away, I have work to do.” He couldn’t stop his mouth from upturning just a little at the banter. He’d missed it.
John was still grinning as he turned to leave, “Don’t stay up too late. Mission tomorrow.”
Rodney waved him off. “I’ll go shortly. I just need to finish this first and I can’t trust incompetent morons to leave it alone in my absence.”
“Night, Rodney.”
“Night,” replied Rodney, already happily absorbed in his work for the first time in weeks.
Part Three
Author: Chaps1870
Pairing: McShep
Rating: NC-17
Warning: Vampire AU
Chapter Two
Everything changed after that. Sheppard didn’t actively avoid him, but the little things that marked their relationship were glaringly absent. Rodney found himself eating alone more often than not. There was no one to bring him coffee or force him to bed when he stayed late in the labs and it was Radek that shoved coffee at him when he found him slumped over his computer most mornings. He returned to his quarters only long enough to shower and change. He’d since returned John’s things, getting nothing but a ‘thanks’ for his efforts but John’s smell still lingered. Rodney’s room was just another grim reminder of the loneliness he’d fought against all his life.
On the nights when sleep eluded him, he roamed the depths of Atlantis. He loved the nights, always had. No surprise there, not when one considered what he was. Early on, when they first arrived in Atlantis, Rodney had discovered the comfort the darkness offered and found a small, out of the way room surrounded on three sides by glass. It was a wonderful view of the ocean depths and even on the brightest days it offered shelter from the glaring sun. On his worst days he could close off the world and let down his defenses. The constant vigilance against discovery was tiring, even on his best days. John had given him a chance to let down the walls, if only a little. He missed the closeness. He missed John.
As days turned to weeks, John stayed away and Rodney pulled further into himself, some days forgetting the old habits. It no longer seemed important. He had finally tasted John and it tore at him. He could feel it in his blood now, feel the change and it was getting harder to deny.
More than once Radek had picked him up off the floor where he’d collapsed from not eating. Food no longer tasted as it once had, and he couldn’t make himself eat the necessary amounts to stave off the hypoglycemia. He hated those that thought it a weakness. He often wondered what they would think if they knew the sacrifices he made to live amongst them. It was a choice he’d made in order to do his work.
Without his work there was no escape from the loneliness that haunted his days and nights. Even before he and John had gotten together, he wasn’t alone, not like now. They’d been friends first and had spent a lot of the down time finding ways to be together. Missions were fun then, even with the lurking danger. Now they were just awkward and uncomfortable. It was no longer fun when Sheppard refused to talk. The only thing that had kept Rodney from leaving was the occasional fleeting glimpse of longing he thought he saw in John’s eyes. He would blink and it would be gone, replaced by the mask of indifference. It was time to move on. It was time to let go.
He made the decision and spoke to Elizabeth. She wasn’t too happy with him, spent an hour trying to get inside his head. Rodney remained adamant, knowing there was nothing she could say that would change his mind. It was over and her opinion wasn’t the one that mattered.
Moving deeper into Atlantis, he holed up in his little sanctuary. He ended up staring absently at the schools of fish darting back and forth before he drifted into peaceful oblivion.
He had no idea how long he stayed. He was lightheaded and shaky when he woke indicating it had been awhile. The second clue came when he returned to his quarters to shower and change and found Sheppard waiting on him. Rodney staggered in, not bothering to turn up the lights. What was the point? Sheppard might as well know all of it. Rodney ignored him as he scrounged his desk for a powerbar.
Sheppard followed him into the room, the door shutting firmly behind him. Rodney ate the bar in two bites and looked for another. Having Sheppard in his room, up close and personal wasn’t helping Rodney’s appetite. Opening a drawer to search, he was grabbed by the arm and spun around by a very irate Colonel. “Where have you been? You’ve been out of radio contact for almost a day.”
Reaching for his ear, Rodney realized his radio was missing. He shrugged, “Hmph. Forgot to put it on. Sorry.” He jerked from Sheppard’s grasp and continued his search for food, only to be pulled away again.
Sheppard growled in his face, “Forget the damn food. Where were you?”
Rodney stared at Sheppard’s hand that had his arm in a death grip and snarled, “I need to eat, unless of course you want to pick me up off the floor. Given the way things are, you’re more likely to leave me to die. So forgive me if your needs don’t quite concern me at the moment.”
John stumbled back as if he’d been physically hit. His voice was tinged with hurt and disbelief, “Is that what you think?”
Finding food, Rodney opened it and took a big bite. He spoke around it as he waved his hands, “You won’t talk to me. You don’t want to be around me. Ever since we came back, you haven’t had the time of day for me. What do you expect me to think?”
There was no response and Rodney closed his eyes with a sigh, “Look, just forget it. I took myself off the team, so you don’t even have to pretend you don’t hate me. If you’re real lucky you won’t even have to see me but for an occasional staff meeting.” Rodney sadly shook his head, “Now if you’ll excuse me. I need a shower. I stink. You know the way out.”
He could feel Sheppard’s eyes on him and Rodney hid a shiver, making his way to the bathroom instead. As much as he’d convinced himself that it was over between them, it didn’t hurt any less than it did weeks ago. Rodney looked at Sheppard, who didn’t seem inclined to leave, and huffed, “Suit yourself.” He went in the bathroom, closing the door behind him.
It was ludicrous to believe Sheppard would be gone when he came out, but Rodney was hopeful. It saved him the shock of finding him still sitting on his bed when he reemerged from the bathroom. Rubbing a towel through his hair, he grabbed clean shirt. Shaking his head and too tired for pleasantries, he asked quietly, “What do you want?”
Leaning forward, Sheppard ran his fingers through his hair and Rodney closed his eyes, wishing it were his fingers. With an inward sigh, he moved to the far side of the room, needing to distance himself. John had that hurt look in his eye for a fraction of a second before it was gone, the mask back in place. “I don’t want you to leave the team.”
Rodney snorted, “See, I missed that part. I got the distinct impression you never wanted to see me again. You’ll forgive me if I misunderstood the glares and avoidance tactics.”
Sheppard shot to his feet and entered Rodney’s space, forcing him back. He pointed a finger in Rodney’s chest, emphasizing each word with a poke, “You could have told me.”
Chin jutting forward, Rodney slapped Sheppard’s hand away, “And I’d have lost everything a lot sooner than I did.” There was no hiding the pain it cost him to say that.
The anger went out of John and he slumped into the nearest chair, “I don’t want to lose you, Rodney. I just don’t know if we can fix this.” He looked up, “I don’t know if I can get past the whole vampire thing.”
“I can’t change what I am.” Rodney settled on the bed, giving them both some space.
“I know that,” sighed John, looking at Rodney for the first time with something other than apathy or anger. “I thought you trusted me.”
“It’s not a matter of trust. We’re living in a galaxy full of life-sucking aliens. I didn’t think you’d take this very well.” He paused, adding a smirk, “Seems I was right.”
“Yeah, well I’m here now. Can we start with some answers?”
Taking a deep breath, Rodney let it out loudly, “What do you want to know?”
John was grateful for the darkness as he asked, “How did you become a vampire?”
Rodney snorted, “I was born this way. My mother was a vampire.”
“And your dad?”
“Human.”
“Is that normal?”
Shrugging, Rodney answered, “Sometimes. He thought he loved her. Maybe he did. I don’t know. The fact that he took me and my sister away from her when I was six makes you wonder.”
John cringed, “Sorry.”
“Don’t be. It was a long time ago,” said Rodney. It was still hard to talk about it. He only remembered how his dad dragged them away from their mother and refused to speak of her from that moment on.
The silence that descended on the room was deafening. John asked another question, “So I thought vampires only came out at night.”
“We don’t like the sun but some can tolerate it for short periods. Me, more than most, because of my half blood status.”
“But it still bothers you?” questioned John, curious.
Rodney nodded, “You didn’t think I bitched just to hear myself bitch did you?”
John smiled, “Ummm.”
“Oh, haha,” sneered Rodney, the darkness hiding the small smile that threatened. He quieted and added more seriously, determined to give Sheppard the answers he was looking for. It was time for honesty. “I don’t like being in the sun. It’s uncomfortable. The suit helped on P3M-736, but the UV was so intense that by the end of the day I was…I was hurting.”
“Hurting how?” There was genuine concern in John’s voice.
“It’s hard to explain. Even a few hours in the sun can make me uncomfortable. It’s like an annoying tingle. An itch I can’t scratch.”
John turned toward him, “How bad was it, Rodney?”
Rodney shrugged his shoulders, embarrassed to admit how miserable he’d been that day. Everyone thought he was being overdramatic about the effects of UV damage and he hated the scornful looks he’d gotten for even mentioning it. Even Carson had rolled his eyes in contempt. Rodney suffered through the night rather than admit how sick he really was. “It’s like having your nerves exposed. That was the worst I’ve ever been. I was sick most of the night.”
“Shit, Rodney. Why didn’t you say something?” John paled, “What about when we flew into the sun?”
“Not so bad. We weren’t out there very long, not like the day I spent traipsing after Ford.”
“So you stay up all night working because of the sun,” said John, understanding dawning.
“No, I stay up at night because there aren’t enough hours in the day to get everything done that needs to be done and still survive in this wonderful place we call home,” joked Rodney. Although it wasn’t far from the truth. “I prefer to work at night and sleep during the day if I have a choice. Unfortunately, that isn’t possible here on Atlantis.”
John asked guiltily, “So, me dragging you from the lab in the middle of the night was the wrong thing to do?”
Rodney shook his head, “No, I need to sleep sometime. I get caught up in my work and forget sometimes how late it really is.” He didn’t add that he missed John showing up to take him home at night.
“Ah.” John shifted nervously for several seconds then bit the bullet. “So, the blood thing…”
Rodney squirmed at the thought of John’s blood. It brought back the memories of that day in the cave and he swallowed hard before answering, “I don’t need it if that’s what you’re afraid of.”
John visible shuddered, “But you can suck blood?”
Slowly, Rodney nodded, “Yes.”
“But you don’t need to?”
“No.”
“But you want to?”
“Is there a point to this, or we just doing twenty questions?” snapped Rodney. This is not where he wanted this conversation going. “Look, I can drink blood. I just choose not to. It’s hard to find a good source this far from home and I’d rather not alienate the few friends I have. It wasn’t something I ever really did.”
“I thought you needed blood to survive.”
“Humph. Another myth. Food is fine, just not as efficient.” Rodney blushed and stammered, “It’s why I have to eat so much. My body doesn’t process it as well.”
John frowned. “So the hypoglycemia is because of the vampire thing?”
“Yes.”
“That sucks,” quipped John. Realizing his slip his head shot up and he muttered, “Sorry.”
“Forget it.”
“Can I ask another question?”
Rodney fidgeted, knowing it wouldn’t be a good one but couldn’t deny John. He tried to joke, “Sure. I’m past the humiliation thing, lets move on to my dignity.”
“I’m not trying to…”
Interrupting, Rodney twirled his finger impatiently, “I know. Just ask your question.”
“When we were in the cave you didn’t want me near you. Why?”
Rodney cursed under his breath. Knowing he had to answer this question and doing it were two different things. He’d hoped John hadn’t remembered that part of the mission. “This is so hard to explain without freaking you out, so just listen before you say anything. Okay?”
John just nodded. Rodney couldn’t sit still any longer and started pacing anxiously. It didn’t help that he could smell John. Could smell the sweat and a subtle hint of fear. Rodney took a breath and started talking. “I’ve never tasted the blood of someone close to me. The few times I tried, it was always a stranger. That’s how it’s supposed to work. Well, most of the time anyway. If…when…I…” Rodney paced, his fingers dancing nervously as he tried to find words that wouldn’t scare John away. “Damn it.”
“Just tell me, Rodney. It can’t be any worse than what I already know.”
“Ye of little faith,” sighed Rodney, sinking back on the bed.
“Just so you know, this isn’t helping with the freak out,” teased John, forcing a smile to reassure Rodney. It was unconvincing.
“I don’t normally do the blood thing, that doesn’t mean I don’t want to.” He hesitated before adding, wringing his hands as he spoke, “With you it’s harder to resist. On the planet… I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t let you bleed to death when I could stop it.”
“About that. How did you do that?” A glare from Rodney and John obviously remembered he was supposed to just listen. He said contritely, “Sorry.”
Rodney felt the sweat begin to form on his face as he tried to speak, “I uh… when I feed I can heal the wound after. I had to try it. It worked.” His hands were beginning to trembling just thinking about it. He ducked his head and mumbled, “I wanted to.”
John stared at him, shocked by the admission. Rodney rambled anxiously, “That’s not to say I couldn’t stop myself because I could. I do. I mean I would never do it without your permission, not the real thing. This was more of an emergency thing and in no way like a real feeding. As much as I’d love to do that, I wouldn’t. The thing in the cave was just a taste, but I stopped. I didn’t go through with it. I couldn’t let myself. I didn’t have your permission. If it was really a feeding I would have asked your permission because the bloodlust comes after and that can be really intense. Well at least that’s what I’ve heard. I’ve never really wanted to go that route with someone and to be honest I never trusted any one enough to try. Even in the cave it was hard to control how good it felt to have you that close but I couldn’t do it. I really can’t imagine how intense it would be after a real feeding. I mean I’ve done the feeding thing a time or two but never with someone I lo...” Seeing John’s pale face, Rodney took a breath and deflated, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to say all that.” He muttered to himself, “So not helping yourself here, Rodney.”
In a half strangled whisper, John only uttered one word, “Bloodlust?”
The word alone sent a shiver down Rodney’s spine, making his heart race. Senses alerted to John’s increasing fear, Rodney tried to backpedal. “I should go. I’ve said too much.” Lurching to his feet, he was out the door before he realized he’d fled his own room.
********
John blindly watched Rodney leave but couldn’t raise his voice to stop him. His thoughts drifted to the conversation, to Rodney’s barely contained excitement as he spoke. His fear that he’d said too much and yes, John was freaked, but not as bad as he thought he’d be. Knowing more about Rodney’s nature, about what he would or wouldn’t do had helped allay some of John’s worst fears.
Mostly he was curious about the bloodlust Rodney mentioned and wondered if it was anything like the way he felt when he was influenced by the retrovirus. He’d been really glad that Rodney had stayed away for most of the transformation and that he’d been restrained. When the lucidity left him all he had was an insatiable need for Rodney and only the restraints had kept him from taking him. He’d never told Rodney of his need to possess him, terrified it would scare him away. If the bloodlust Rodney spoke of was anything like that than he sympathized with Rodney and could totally understand his reluctance to say anything.
If it was as he said, than he also had to credit Rodney with his restraint. John doubted he could have held back without being tied down. Hell, he still wanted Rodney, but the whole vampire thing left him wondering if they’d ever find a common ground again. He missed Rodney, missed him in his bed at night but more than anything he missed the time they spent together. He just couldn’t quite forget Rodney was a vampire and move on.
**********
Rodney was expecting John to avoid him completely after his confession, but leave it to Sheppard to always do the unexpected. As usual, especially of late, Rodney was still working when Sheppard found him. “Hey.”
Slumped over his computer, Rodney spared him a brief glance. “What do you want?”
“Well, for one we have a mission tomorrow and you really should get some sleep.”
“I resigned, remember?” said Rodney, idly pushing keys, looking depressed.
John took up residence on the edge of Rodney’s desk, “Yeah about that. I think you should reconsider.”
Resting his head in his hand as he continued to tap on the keyboard, Rodney frowned, “Why? Nothing’s changed.”
“Exactly, nothing’s changed. You’re still the same Rodney McKay that came to Atlantis two years ago, arrogant, temperamental…” teased John.
Rodney sneered back, “Don’t insult the man that regulates your water temperature, Colonel.”
John smiled then dropped a hand on Rodney’s shoulder. “We can still work together, can’t we?” It was the first time since the planet that John had touched him. He could feel the heat of John’s hand even through his shirt and it took all his control not to react to it but then it was gone.
“Sure, we’re both mature adults. We’ll I am. The jury is still out on you,” joked Rodney, anything to alleviate the ache in his gut. It didn’t help and he had to ask, “So, you and me? Any word on that?”
John shifted nervously, his hands gripping the edge of the desk a little tighter as he sighed, “I don’t know. I want to. It’s just…um…”
“The whole vampire thing,” supplied Rodney, solemnly. He knew it wasn’t something they’d resolve overnight. The fact that John was speaking to him again was more than he could have hoped for.
“Yeah.” John ducked his head. “Sorry, I just need some time.”
Rodney nodded weakly, “It’s okay. I was pretty much expecting a ‘no fucking way’, so this is a definite improvement on that.”
“Like I could stay away from your irresistible charm and wonderful personality,” teased John, flashing Rodney a smile.
“Asshole,” snorted Rodney, pushing John away from his desk. “Go away, I have work to do.” He couldn’t stop his mouth from upturning just a little at the banter. He’d missed it.
John was still grinning as he turned to leave, “Don’t stay up too late. Mission tomorrow.”
Rodney waved him off. “I’ll go shortly. I just need to finish this first and I can’t trust incompetent morons to leave it alone in my absence.”
“Night, Rodney.”
“Night,” replied Rodney, already happily absorbed in his work for the first time in weeks.
Part Three
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