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Title: Unspoken Part 9
Author: Chaps1870
Pairing: Rodney/Carson
Rating: R for language
Summary: John finds out that Rodney is gay and it tests the bonds of friendship.
Disclaimer: They belong to someone else, I’ll return them when I’m done….maybe. No infringement of copyright is intended.
Chapter 9
Ignoring the Major’s demands, the old man limped to one of the cots and sat down. “I am curious, Major. Why do you feel as you do?”
The man’s bluntness took away John’s steam and he stared at Pojan, confused. “About what?”
“About Doctor McKay.”
John was decidedly uncomfortable with the question. Teyla and Ford had their own looks of surprise at the sudden turn of events, which did nothing to ease his discomfort. He tried to change the subject, “Look, you said today was the last day. How long before we can leave?”
“When today’s exercise is over, you will be free to leave. However, that is still some time away.” He gestured to the other cots, “Please, have a seat so that we may talk.”
Teyla and Ford moved to sit, but John refused, his gaze never leaving Pojan’s. Eyeing the Major, Teyla stepped beside him, placing a gentle hand on his arm. “Perhaps if we listen to what he has to say we will be allowed to see Doctor McKay sooner.”
He hated when she right. Giving Pojan a seething glare, he plopped down on one of the cots. With his back to the wall, he pulled up one knee, resting his arm as he glowered at Pojan. “So talk.”
Pojan nodded, then stated pointedly, “We were misled by your perception of Doctor McKay’s abilities. We have learned many things from all of you but we are still confused by your lack of trust in him.”
Teyla raised an eyebrow, “Trust?”
Tilting his head, Pojan appeared to be thinking. “Maybe trust is not the word I am looking for, but it is the closest, I believe. I will try to explain what we know of Doctor McKay. Correct me if I am wrong in my assumptions.” He looked at Teyla first. “You, Teyla Emmagen are the most accepting and yet you only recently made any effort to get to know him, when he came to you for help.” Teyla couldn’t deny it, and acknowledged his statement with a nod. Pojan continued, “Your people are warriors like mine and you place a great deal of pride on your abilities. Until Doctor McKay showed interest in your skills you thought little about him. Is that correct?”
“I did not think less of him,” said Teyla, feeling defensive.
“Hmmm. When others questioned your loyalty, accused you of spying for the Wraith, Doctor McKay defended you. It was with great displeasure that he had to go through your personal items to find the device that was responsible. Even having only known you a short time, he had already placed his trust in you.”
Teyla hung her head, “I did not know this.” It was disheartening to learn that Doctor McKay had believed in her so early on and it had taken her months to understand him. It wasn’t that she disliked him or even that she didn’t think he belonged on the team. Quite the contrary. As annoying as he could be, Teyla knew his importance and even though she didn’t seek him out, she came to respect him for his worth to the team. After she began training with him, she found he had a dedication unrivaled amongst the Atlantians. Not only did he train with her, but he spent countless hours of his own time bettering himself. As with everything, he gave 110 percent.
“All of you seem to find it hard to accept Doctor McKay’s worth as a scientist. Although that term is new to us, we find his intelligence and thoughts rather intriguing. We have never encountered one such as him and we would like to understand more. We are curious as to why the three of you would disregard his value.” Seeing their confusion, Pojan frowned. Looking at Ford, he questioned the young soldier, “You find the Doctor arrogant and condescending at times, do you not?”
“Well yeah, sometimes, but that’s just McKay. He’s always going on about something, his allergies, his low blood sugar, how smart he is.”
“But these things are all true, are they not?”
Ford shrugged, “Yeah, I guess. It just gets old after awhile.”
“Hmmm. Perhaps if you took them more seriously, he would not feel the need to remind you of them.” Pojan knew he’d been correct, judging by the sheepish looks on all their faces but it was Ford he addressed, “He seems to irritate you Lieutenant and yet you helped him when he asked about weapons.”
“I figured he could use all the help he could get,” said Ford, shrugging indifferently.
“Because he is a scientist and not a soldier?”
“He asked and I helped him. I thought I was doing the right thing.” Ford shifted, not sure why he suddenly felt guilty about it all.
“No doubt you were, but did you wonder why he wished to learn all of a sudden?”
“I just figured he was afraid of losing his spot on the team. I really like him, alright! Even if he is a pain in the ass, I’d hate to see him leave. He’s saved our hides more than once.” He looked at the major and smiled weakly, feeling as though he’d betrayed his commanding officer, “Sorry, Sir.”
Ford hadn’t liked keeping his commanding officer in the dark, but McKay had been very insistent about it and after the first couple of sessions actually found himself looking forward to the time spent with the scientist. The snark and uncomplimentary military jibes were still there, but Ford realized that it was done in fun and began to poke back at the scientists in much the same way as they worked on McKay’s marksmanship. The Doctor never complained about the early hours or the repetitiveness of the exercises and Ford learned all about trajectory, velocity and anything else remotely related to guns and science as they practiced together. Although he would never have admitted it, he liked McKay’s enthusiasm and dedication.
Pojan looked puzzled, “So these teams you send to other worlds, do they take scientists with them as well?”
“Some do. It depends on the mission,” Sheppard clarified, his voice tinged with annoyance.
“So scientists are part of the teams, but they are not really accepted as team members because they are not soldiers. Is this correct?”
“Our scientists go along because they have to collect data, check out some new discovery or help with translations.”
“But you are soldiers and they are not, so there is a certain lack of respect for their expertise.” He glanced thoughtfully at Teyla and then Ford. “Is it not true that neither of you really took the time to get to know Doctor McKay until he took an interest in being a soldier?”
Teyla blinked several times as her mind grasped what was being said and it hit her suddenly that she had indeed placed herself above Doctor McKay. It was only after several training sessions that she realized he was very knowledgeable about many things, including topics that could actually benefit her people on the mainland. As they’d worked out, he’d explained improvements that could be made. It saddened her now to think that she had ignored his intelligence because they didn’t share the same values. He’d always treated her with the utmost respect, but had never aspired to be a soldier until he felt he had no choice. A quick glance at Pojan confirmed her suspicions. The man had made his point. None of them had given Doctor McKay any real respect until he’d entered their world and began training.
Ford’s only response was a soft, “Yeah.” He’d come to the same conclusions as Teyla.
There was no faulting the Major for his treatment of Rodney as a scientist. The two had been drawn together from the start and had become friends very easily despite the banter that said otherwise. Impatient, Sheppard interrupted, “While I’m sure this group therapy is a wonderful concept in less pressing times, can you please get to the point so we can get to Rodney.”
“I find it interesting that you show so much concern for him, Major.”
Crossing his arms, the major looked at him defiantly, “Well I do. Can we just go now?”
Pojan shook his head, with a curt reply. “No.”
“Why the hell not?”
“I still have questions for you,” said Pojan, not taking his eyes off of Sheppard.
Pointing to his chest, John asked, “Me?”
“Yes, you, Major. You seem to be the lone dissenter. From my understanding, you wish Doctor McKay off your team because he has a fondness for men?” Pojan offered it more as a question, not really understanding the problem. His people did not have many restrictions on relationships. Because they had separate training areas for men and women it was sometimes easier if warriors found a mate of the same gender.
Shocked at Pojan’s bluntness, John stammered, “It’s not that!”
Pojan actually chuckled, “You cannot hide your thoughts from me, Major. I am curious as to why you think Doctor McKay is a liability because of this. He seems very dedicated to his mate and has not let it interfere with his performance. Is there something I am missing?”
John’s eyes burned furiously into the old man, knowing full well he knew the truth, but was pushing him to speak it openly. He growled, “This is none of your business, Pojan. Leave it alone.”
“I am sorry, Major but I cannot. You are disowning your best friend because of something that happened years ago.”
Ignoring Ford and Teyla’s curious looks, John snapped at Pojan, “Shut up. Just shut the fuck up about it.”
“I cannot. You claimed it was Doctor McKay’s abilities that were in question. This is not the case is it? It is your own past that clouds your judgment.”
Sitting on the cot, John shook his head trying to ignore the images that came unbidden into his mind. The flood of memories took him back to his days in Afghanistan, zoning out everyone else in the room. It came in bits and pieces, long since buried to make it harder to remember. It wasn’t something he’d wanted to dredge up again, but finding out Rodney was gay, was too much like the first time. He thought that if he could change it this time around it wouldn’t end up like the last time. Unfortunately, he’d only made things worse.
Mike had been his best friend. They’d gone through training together. Shipped overseas at the same time, they ended up on the same base and still saw each other from time to time when their missions didn’t overlap. John knew Mike was gay but since they didn’t actually serve together, he hadn’t made a big deal about it. He wasn’t homophobic, and as long as Mike knew he wasn’t interested it wasn’t an issue. He figured it was someone else’s problem, not his. That was until he caught Mike making out with another soldier while he was supposed to be on duty. Being of a higher rank, the first thing John should have done was turn the two men in. Instead he’d let Mike talk him into forgetting the whole incident, swearing it would never happen again.
Two weeks later he ignored his commanding officers orders and flew into enemy territory on a rescue mission. Mike’s unit had been captured and John did the only thing he could. He disobeyed orders and went for his friend, only to find out later that the reason they’d been captured in the first place was because Mike and another soldier were distracted while on guard duty. It was a hard lesson, one he never forgot. Mike and four other men didn’t make it home because he’d been blind to his own friend’s weakness. He received a black mark on his records and was sent to McMurdo where he listened to whispers about his sexual orientation behind his back. He’d been cornered and beaten a couple of times because of it and it wasn’t something he wanted to go through again. All because he thought it didn’t matter that his friend was gay. Well it did matter and it would never happen again as far as Sheppard was concerned.
Teyla’s voice dragged him back, “Major Sheppard, are you alright?”
Blinking a few times he nodded, “Yeah, I’m fine. Just thinking.”
Pojan was not to be ignored, “Why are you so opposed to Doctor McKay being a part of your team? After witnessing his performance the last few days, he clearly does not present the liability you originally conveyed in your thoughts.”
There was no arguing that McKay had done well. John had actually been impressed. Knowing that, there was no way he could fault McKay’s abilities in the field nor use it as an excuse to dismiss him from the team. Pojan was digging deeper for answers and John didn’t want to go there. “What is it you want from me?”
“Only the truth, Major.”
John shouted at Pojan, “You already know the truth! You don’t need me to tell it to you. McKay likes men. In our military, that’s not acceptable. It only leads to trouble.”
Genuinely confused, Pojan asked “I do not understand. How does that affect his place on your team? Has he acted inappropriately during a mission?”
Feeling cornered, John snapped back, “Not yet, but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen. I can’t be wondering if he’s keeping his attention on what’s going around him.”
Pojan’s brow furrowed with a tilt of his head. “And yet you do not have a problem working with Teyla. Is it not the same thing?” Looking at Ford and then John he added, “Neither of you seem to let her presence interfere with your duties. Why should your presence affect Doctor McKay’s? Is he not bound to someone else?”
“Yes, but…” John stopped. He had no response. It had never occurred to him to compare Rodney to Teyla. He’d taken Teyla’s presence for granted. Hey, she was beautiful and all, but he had long since gotten over any lustful feelings for her. Not to mention she would kick his ass if he ever tried anything.
John shook his head as he came to the realization that he’d fucked up. He’d let his past haunt his present and Rodney had paid the price. Since discovering McKay’s secret, he’d done everything possible to push him away. Now that he’d fully succeeded in doing just that, he hated himself. Worse, his own stupidity had put Rodney through hell. Sadly, he might never be able to fix what he was so sure had been the right thing to do at the time.
*************
His hands clenched tightly as he tensed for the next blow. Nothing stopped the pain when it came and each strike on his back was worse than the one before. Sweat dripped from every pore on his body as the whip came down and he bit his lip to keep quiet. He was thankful that Pojan had kept the others away. Having witnesses to his eventual humiliation was more than he could bear. Biting his lip to keep from crying out, he still couldn’t stop the grunt of pain with each strike. He wanted it to end, thought about screaming for them to stop, but he held on, unbidden tears stinging his eyes.
Periodically they would stop, either to torment him with the anticipation of waiting or to let him recover enough so he wasn’t on the verge of passing out, he wasn’t sure. In his moments of reprieve he was conscious of the heaviness in his arms. The pins and needles had disappeared, leaving behind an uncomfortable numbness. His wrist still throbbed, but it seemed a distant pain compared to the fire in his back.
He hated them all in those long moments between lashes. Everyone that was making him do this. Making him become someone he wasn’t. Even Teyla and Ford weren’t spared when the pain made him irrational. Oh sure, they’d supported his efforts to get better, but it occurred to him, as he hung by the ropes, that they were as much to blame as Sheppard. They’d been genuinely pleased to help him train. They too felt he could better himself by learning the skills of a soldier, as if he wasn’t good enough being just who he was. It wasn’t enough to be just a scientist. He’d only gained their respect by entering their world of fighting, guns and sweat.
Only it wasn’t enough, it would never be enough. He’d spent the last four days trying to prove himself and it didn’t matter. There was no team any more. He wasn’t a part of a team. He was an outsider, trying desperately to hang onto something that could never be. He was an interloper in their little warrior circle.
The whip caught him off guard, tearing a sob from him as the pain in his back renewed itself. He could feel something trickling down his back and couldn’t tell if it was sweat or blood. The salty trickles stung in the cuts adding to the pain, if that was possible. It was getting harder to stay upright, his legs shaking with the effort, but dropping his weight only intensified the pain in his wrist and he forced himself to stay on his feet. At some point, the whipping stopped long enough for one of the warriors to give him a drink. Shocked, it took him several seconds to realize they weren’t taunting him, and were actually going to let him drink.
Through pain glazed eyes, his face red and clenched tight, he drank greedily, offering a small nod of thanks. The warrior looked sympathetic as he helped him drink, but it disappeared as he took up the whip to continue. Even as much as it hurt and Rodney wanted it to stop, he couldn’t make himself end it. That would mean giving up Major Sheppard to these barbarians. While John might survive the humiliation, there was no way Rodney would. It was enough to know John hated him. If he were ever to find out Rodney could have prevented it but had given up because of a little torture, well….that would be unforgivable.
He couldn’t give in, couldn’t buckle under the agonizing pain of the whip against his back. Ducking his head, his back tensed for the next strike, he bit down on his lip, drawing blood. It was the only way to keep from screaming for it to stop.
**************
Sitting quietly for several moments, Pojan finally spoke again, “For the last four days Doctor McKay has given all that he has to keep each of you alive.” Noting their surprise, he answered their unspoken question, “We used it as a means to keep him focused. The exercises are hard enough without having to repeat them. My point is this; he has fought to keep you alive, to keep you safe. He went to the trouble of asking you for help when he thought he needed it. Why? Because he placed his trust in each of you and wanted you to be able to do the same.” He looked at the solemn faces before him and spoke softly, “If you can honestly say that you trust Doctor McKay with your lives than we have done what we set out to do. If not, then perhaps the answer lies within yourselves, not Doctor McKay.”
As Pojan turned to leave, Sheppard grabbed for him, “Hey, you said you’d let us out after we talked. Well we talked, now take us to Rodney.”
The old man nodded, “As you wish. However, I must warn you that today’s exercise is not a pleasant one. It is a test of will. Doctor McKay was given a choice. He chose not to give in to what we asked of him and therefore had to accept the consequences.”
Two of Pojan’s warriors stepped up to flank him when Sheppard, Teyla and Ford all tried to advance on him. They stopped short when spears were thrust towards them. Pojan quickly finished his explanation, “He can stop it at any time, but chooses not to.”
Sheppard and the others anxiously followed after Pojan as he left the tent. “What do you want from him?”
Pojan shook his head without looking back, “That is not for me to say. We choose something personal for each participant. If Doctor McKay wants you to know what it is he fights for then that will be up to him.”
“What would be the purpose of such an exercise?” asked Teyla.
“You will have to decide that for yourselves. Please follow me.”
Weaving their way around several tents they came upon the open field. Sheppard spotted him first and yelled as he took off running, “RODNEY!!”
Author: Chaps1870
Pairing: Rodney/Carson
Rating: R for language
Summary: John finds out that Rodney is gay and it tests the bonds of friendship.
Disclaimer: They belong to someone else, I’ll return them when I’m done….maybe. No infringement of copyright is intended.
Chapter 9
Ignoring the Major’s demands, the old man limped to one of the cots and sat down. “I am curious, Major. Why do you feel as you do?”
The man’s bluntness took away John’s steam and he stared at Pojan, confused. “About what?”
“About Doctor McKay.”
John was decidedly uncomfortable with the question. Teyla and Ford had their own looks of surprise at the sudden turn of events, which did nothing to ease his discomfort. He tried to change the subject, “Look, you said today was the last day. How long before we can leave?”
“When today’s exercise is over, you will be free to leave. However, that is still some time away.” He gestured to the other cots, “Please, have a seat so that we may talk.”
Teyla and Ford moved to sit, but John refused, his gaze never leaving Pojan’s. Eyeing the Major, Teyla stepped beside him, placing a gentle hand on his arm. “Perhaps if we listen to what he has to say we will be allowed to see Doctor McKay sooner.”
He hated when she right. Giving Pojan a seething glare, he plopped down on one of the cots. With his back to the wall, he pulled up one knee, resting his arm as he glowered at Pojan. “So talk.”
Pojan nodded, then stated pointedly, “We were misled by your perception of Doctor McKay’s abilities. We have learned many things from all of you but we are still confused by your lack of trust in him.”
Teyla raised an eyebrow, “Trust?”
Tilting his head, Pojan appeared to be thinking. “Maybe trust is not the word I am looking for, but it is the closest, I believe. I will try to explain what we know of Doctor McKay. Correct me if I am wrong in my assumptions.” He looked at Teyla first. “You, Teyla Emmagen are the most accepting and yet you only recently made any effort to get to know him, when he came to you for help.” Teyla couldn’t deny it, and acknowledged his statement with a nod. Pojan continued, “Your people are warriors like mine and you place a great deal of pride on your abilities. Until Doctor McKay showed interest in your skills you thought little about him. Is that correct?”
“I did not think less of him,” said Teyla, feeling defensive.
“Hmmm. When others questioned your loyalty, accused you of spying for the Wraith, Doctor McKay defended you. It was with great displeasure that he had to go through your personal items to find the device that was responsible. Even having only known you a short time, he had already placed his trust in you.”
Teyla hung her head, “I did not know this.” It was disheartening to learn that Doctor McKay had believed in her so early on and it had taken her months to understand him. It wasn’t that she disliked him or even that she didn’t think he belonged on the team. Quite the contrary. As annoying as he could be, Teyla knew his importance and even though she didn’t seek him out, she came to respect him for his worth to the team. After she began training with him, she found he had a dedication unrivaled amongst the Atlantians. Not only did he train with her, but he spent countless hours of his own time bettering himself. As with everything, he gave 110 percent.
“All of you seem to find it hard to accept Doctor McKay’s worth as a scientist. Although that term is new to us, we find his intelligence and thoughts rather intriguing. We have never encountered one such as him and we would like to understand more. We are curious as to why the three of you would disregard his value.” Seeing their confusion, Pojan frowned. Looking at Ford, he questioned the young soldier, “You find the Doctor arrogant and condescending at times, do you not?”
“Well yeah, sometimes, but that’s just McKay. He’s always going on about something, his allergies, his low blood sugar, how smart he is.”
“But these things are all true, are they not?”
Ford shrugged, “Yeah, I guess. It just gets old after awhile.”
“Hmmm. Perhaps if you took them more seriously, he would not feel the need to remind you of them.” Pojan knew he’d been correct, judging by the sheepish looks on all their faces but it was Ford he addressed, “He seems to irritate you Lieutenant and yet you helped him when he asked about weapons.”
“I figured he could use all the help he could get,” said Ford, shrugging indifferently.
“Because he is a scientist and not a soldier?”
“He asked and I helped him. I thought I was doing the right thing.” Ford shifted, not sure why he suddenly felt guilty about it all.
“No doubt you were, but did you wonder why he wished to learn all of a sudden?”
“I just figured he was afraid of losing his spot on the team. I really like him, alright! Even if he is a pain in the ass, I’d hate to see him leave. He’s saved our hides more than once.” He looked at the major and smiled weakly, feeling as though he’d betrayed his commanding officer, “Sorry, Sir.”
Ford hadn’t liked keeping his commanding officer in the dark, but McKay had been very insistent about it and after the first couple of sessions actually found himself looking forward to the time spent with the scientist. The snark and uncomplimentary military jibes were still there, but Ford realized that it was done in fun and began to poke back at the scientists in much the same way as they worked on McKay’s marksmanship. The Doctor never complained about the early hours or the repetitiveness of the exercises and Ford learned all about trajectory, velocity and anything else remotely related to guns and science as they practiced together. Although he would never have admitted it, he liked McKay’s enthusiasm and dedication.
Pojan looked puzzled, “So these teams you send to other worlds, do they take scientists with them as well?”
“Some do. It depends on the mission,” Sheppard clarified, his voice tinged with annoyance.
“So scientists are part of the teams, but they are not really accepted as team members because they are not soldiers. Is this correct?”
“Our scientists go along because they have to collect data, check out some new discovery or help with translations.”
“But you are soldiers and they are not, so there is a certain lack of respect for their expertise.” He glanced thoughtfully at Teyla and then Ford. “Is it not true that neither of you really took the time to get to know Doctor McKay until he took an interest in being a soldier?”
Teyla blinked several times as her mind grasped what was being said and it hit her suddenly that she had indeed placed herself above Doctor McKay. It was only after several training sessions that she realized he was very knowledgeable about many things, including topics that could actually benefit her people on the mainland. As they’d worked out, he’d explained improvements that could be made. It saddened her now to think that she had ignored his intelligence because they didn’t share the same values. He’d always treated her with the utmost respect, but had never aspired to be a soldier until he felt he had no choice. A quick glance at Pojan confirmed her suspicions. The man had made his point. None of them had given Doctor McKay any real respect until he’d entered their world and began training.
Ford’s only response was a soft, “Yeah.” He’d come to the same conclusions as Teyla.
There was no faulting the Major for his treatment of Rodney as a scientist. The two had been drawn together from the start and had become friends very easily despite the banter that said otherwise. Impatient, Sheppard interrupted, “While I’m sure this group therapy is a wonderful concept in less pressing times, can you please get to the point so we can get to Rodney.”
“I find it interesting that you show so much concern for him, Major.”
Crossing his arms, the major looked at him defiantly, “Well I do. Can we just go now?”
Pojan shook his head, with a curt reply. “No.”
“Why the hell not?”
“I still have questions for you,” said Pojan, not taking his eyes off of Sheppard.
Pointing to his chest, John asked, “Me?”
“Yes, you, Major. You seem to be the lone dissenter. From my understanding, you wish Doctor McKay off your team because he has a fondness for men?” Pojan offered it more as a question, not really understanding the problem. His people did not have many restrictions on relationships. Because they had separate training areas for men and women it was sometimes easier if warriors found a mate of the same gender.
Shocked at Pojan’s bluntness, John stammered, “It’s not that!”
Pojan actually chuckled, “You cannot hide your thoughts from me, Major. I am curious as to why you think Doctor McKay is a liability because of this. He seems very dedicated to his mate and has not let it interfere with his performance. Is there something I am missing?”
John’s eyes burned furiously into the old man, knowing full well he knew the truth, but was pushing him to speak it openly. He growled, “This is none of your business, Pojan. Leave it alone.”
“I am sorry, Major but I cannot. You are disowning your best friend because of something that happened years ago.”
Ignoring Ford and Teyla’s curious looks, John snapped at Pojan, “Shut up. Just shut the fuck up about it.”
“I cannot. You claimed it was Doctor McKay’s abilities that were in question. This is not the case is it? It is your own past that clouds your judgment.”
Sitting on the cot, John shook his head trying to ignore the images that came unbidden into his mind. The flood of memories took him back to his days in Afghanistan, zoning out everyone else in the room. It came in bits and pieces, long since buried to make it harder to remember. It wasn’t something he’d wanted to dredge up again, but finding out Rodney was gay, was too much like the first time. He thought that if he could change it this time around it wouldn’t end up like the last time. Unfortunately, he’d only made things worse.
Mike had been his best friend. They’d gone through training together. Shipped overseas at the same time, they ended up on the same base and still saw each other from time to time when their missions didn’t overlap. John knew Mike was gay but since they didn’t actually serve together, he hadn’t made a big deal about it. He wasn’t homophobic, and as long as Mike knew he wasn’t interested it wasn’t an issue. He figured it was someone else’s problem, not his. That was until he caught Mike making out with another soldier while he was supposed to be on duty. Being of a higher rank, the first thing John should have done was turn the two men in. Instead he’d let Mike talk him into forgetting the whole incident, swearing it would never happen again.
Two weeks later he ignored his commanding officers orders and flew into enemy territory on a rescue mission. Mike’s unit had been captured and John did the only thing he could. He disobeyed orders and went for his friend, only to find out later that the reason they’d been captured in the first place was because Mike and another soldier were distracted while on guard duty. It was a hard lesson, one he never forgot. Mike and four other men didn’t make it home because he’d been blind to his own friend’s weakness. He received a black mark on his records and was sent to McMurdo where he listened to whispers about his sexual orientation behind his back. He’d been cornered and beaten a couple of times because of it and it wasn’t something he wanted to go through again. All because he thought it didn’t matter that his friend was gay. Well it did matter and it would never happen again as far as Sheppard was concerned.
Teyla’s voice dragged him back, “Major Sheppard, are you alright?”
Blinking a few times he nodded, “Yeah, I’m fine. Just thinking.”
Pojan was not to be ignored, “Why are you so opposed to Doctor McKay being a part of your team? After witnessing his performance the last few days, he clearly does not present the liability you originally conveyed in your thoughts.”
There was no arguing that McKay had done well. John had actually been impressed. Knowing that, there was no way he could fault McKay’s abilities in the field nor use it as an excuse to dismiss him from the team. Pojan was digging deeper for answers and John didn’t want to go there. “What is it you want from me?”
“Only the truth, Major.”
John shouted at Pojan, “You already know the truth! You don’t need me to tell it to you. McKay likes men. In our military, that’s not acceptable. It only leads to trouble.”
Genuinely confused, Pojan asked “I do not understand. How does that affect his place on your team? Has he acted inappropriately during a mission?”
Feeling cornered, John snapped back, “Not yet, but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen. I can’t be wondering if he’s keeping his attention on what’s going around him.”
Pojan’s brow furrowed with a tilt of his head. “And yet you do not have a problem working with Teyla. Is it not the same thing?” Looking at Ford and then John he added, “Neither of you seem to let her presence interfere with your duties. Why should your presence affect Doctor McKay’s? Is he not bound to someone else?”
“Yes, but…” John stopped. He had no response. It had never occurred to him to compare Rodney to Teyla. He’d taken Teyla’s presence for granted. Hey, she was beautiful and all, but he had long since gotten over any lustful feelings for her. Not to mention she would kick his ass if he ever tried anything.
John shook his head as he came to the realization that he’d fucked up. He’d let his past haunt his present and Rodney had paid the price. Since discovering McKay’s secret, he’d done everything possible to push him away. Now that he’d fully succeeded in doing just that, he hated himself. Worse, his own stupidity had put Rodney through hell. Sadly, he might never be able to fix what he was so sure had been the right thing to do at the time.
*************
His hands clenched tightly as he tensed for the next blow. Nothing stopped the pain when it came and each strike on his back was worse than the one before. Sweat dripped from every pore on his body as the whip came down and he bit his lip to keep quiet. He was thankful that Pojan had kept the others away. Having witnesses to his eventual humiliation was more than he could bear. Biting his lip to keep from crying out, he still couldn’t stop the grunt of pain with each strike. He wanted it to end, thought about screaming for them to stop, but he held on, unbidden tears stinging his eyes.
Periodically they would stop, either to torment him with the anticipation of waiting or to let him recover enough so he wasn’t on the verge of passing out, he wasn’t sure. In his moments of reprieve he was conscious of the heaviness in his arms. The pins and needles had disappeared, leaving behind an uncomfortable numbness. His wrist still throbbed, but it seemed a distant pain compared to the fire in his back.
He hated them all in those long moments between lashes. Everyone that was making him do this. Making him become someone he wasn’t. Even Teyla and Ford weren’t spared when the pain made him irrational. Oh sure, they’d supported his efforts to get better, but it occurred to him, as he hung by the ropes, that they were as much to blame as Sheppard. They’d been genuinely pleased to help him train. They too felt he could better himself by learning the skills of a soldier, as if he wasn’t good enough being just who he was. It wasn’t enough to be just a scientist. He’d only gained their respect by entering their world of fighting, guns and sweat.
Only it wasn’t enough, it would never be enough. He’d spent the last four days trying to prove himself and it didn’t matter. There was no team any more. He wasn’t a part of a team. He was an outsider, trying desperately to hang onto something that could never be. He was an interloper in their little warrior circle.
The whip caught him off guard, tearing a sob from him as the pain in his back renewed itself. He could feel something trickling down his back and couldn’t tell if it was sweat or blood. The salty trickles stung in the cuts adding to the pain, if that was possible. It was getting harder to stay upright, his legs shaking with the effort, but dropping his weight only intensified the pain in his wrist and he forced himself to stay on his feet. At some point, the whipping stopped long enough for one of the warriors to give him a drink. Shocked, it took him several seconds to realize they weren’t taunting him, and were actually going to let him drink.
Through pain glazed eyes, his face red and clenched tight, he drank greedily, offering a small nod of thanks. The warrior looked sympathetic as he helped him drink, but it disappeared as he took up the whip to continue. Even as much as it hurt and Rodney wanted it to stop, he couldn’t make himself end it. That would mean giving up Major Sheppard to these barbarians. While John might survive the humiliation, there was no way Rodney would. It was enough to know John hated him. If he were ever to find out Rodney could have prevented it but had given up because of a little torture, well….that would be unforgivable.
He couldn’t give in, couldn’t buckle under the agonizing pain of the whip against his back. Ducking his head, his back tensed for the next strike, he bit down on his lip, drawing blood. It was the only way to keep from screaming for it to stop.
**************
Sitting quietly for several moments, Pojan finally spoke again, “For the last four days Doctor McKay has given all that he has to keep each of you alive.” Noting their surprise, he answered their unspoken question, “We used it as a means to keep him focused. The exercises are hard enough without having to repeat them. My point is this; he has fought to keep you alive, to keep you safe. He went to the trouble of asking you for help when he thought he needed it. Why? Because he placed his trust in each of you and wanted you to be able to do the same.” He looked at the solemn faces before him and spoke softly, “If you can honestly say that you trust Doctor McKay with your lives than we have done what we set out to do. If not, then perhaps the answer lies within yourselves, not Doctor McKay.”
As Pojan turned to leave, Sheppard grabbed for him, “Hey, you said you’d let us out after we talked. Well we talked, now take us to Rodney.”
The old man nodded, “As you wish. However, I must warn you that today’s exercise is not a pleasant one. It is a test of will. Doctor McKay was given a choice. He chose not to give in to what we asked of him and therefore had to accept the consequences.”
Two of Pojan’s warriors stepped up to flank him when Sheppard, Teyla and Ford all tried to advance on him. They stopped short when spears were thrust towards them. Pojan quickly finished his explanation, “He can stop it at any time, but chooses not to.”
Sheppard and the others anxiously followed after Pojan as he left the tent. “What do you want from him?”
Pojan shook his head without looking back, “That is not for me to say. We choose something personal for each participant. If Doctor McKay wants you to know what it is he fights for then that will be up to him.”
“What would be the purpose of such an exercise?” asked Teyla.
“You will have to decide that for yourselves. Please follow me.”
Weaving their way around several tents they came upon the open field. Sheppard spotted him first and yelled as he took off running, “RODNEY!!”
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Sooo ::whistles:: Have the next chapter written yet?? ::looks innocent::
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